Stubbed My Toe

Still alive

2008-09-16T19:14:00.001-06:00

So I didn't run anybody over today, and I'm still employed. It still sucks, but I'm not losing the house.

The front fell off.

2008-09-15T19:47:00.001-06:00

New Job

2008-09-15T19:39:00.002-06:00

So this morning I got up at 4:45. Did I mention it was in the morning? Anyway, after a pot of coffee and a very "TURN OUT THAT LIGHT" from my wife, I was off.

I'm once again gainfully employed. I'm hauling salt water in the Barnet Shale gas fields. YEAH! OK, that was sarcasm. I'm not thrilled in the slightest. I'm training days for a week before going to nights.

Tonight I got to see my son for all of 10 minutes. That's about all I'm in the mood to say about that at this point. So now it's 8:45pm and I'm going back to bed, after getting home at 7:45. I'm finding it real hard to keep my feelings to myself concerning this job transition.

So, where to begin...

2008-08-27T12:59:00.000-06:00

So I took a week's vacation to work on my bathroom (pics to follow in a later post) and ended up getting a nice summer cold. When I returned to work I found out my position was being eliminated. I'll not go into my thoughts and feelings on this at the moment, but my life has been turned upside down.

So for the last week or so I've been looking for a job, submitting resumes, putting in applications, scanning the net, and generally wanting to slit my wrists. Today our childcare was unavailable, so instead of my usual routine of job hunting and finishing the bathroom as I had planned, I'm here baby sitting.

It's hot, so I let the dogs inside to cool off. I left them for a second to have a smoke and take a phone call, only to return to find one of them had a case of the runs. So I come in to the lovely odor of dog crap. I clean this up and start to feed my son lunch. He's not agreeable to this and fights me every step of the way.

I hate looking for a job, and I currently hate my living situation.

Mary has been very supportive during this time, and for that I am extremely thankful.

Most of you already knew about this, but I guess some of you didn't. I'll let you know if we end up having our home foreclosed on or not though.

My apologies

2008-06-25T05:47:00.002-06:00

Once again I've let this thing sit idle without updates for a long long time.

My excuse: Pygmies

Seriously, why not. It's not like they've got broadband in deepest darket Africa and are going to find out, hop an international flight, and come shrink my head.

So we're all doing fine here. Been very busy, and like everybody else on a limited driving budget due to high fuel prices.

Mary had her Lasik surgoery on Friday the 21st of June and is doing great.

William is talking more every day, and is really enjoying having his mom home for the summer.

On a side not, I cut down my last cedar tree due to another bagworm infestation. I've given up on beating the little critters, and decided to remove their food source.

Freaking Worms

Weather Redux

2008-03-07T06:27:00.002-06:00

So a few days ago it was "will we get blown away with the storm?"

Today it's "watch out for ice and snow on bridges and overpasses."

Yesterday I left work and it was only a little slushy. By the time I got home I was wishing I had 4 wheel drive, snow chains, and a heavier coat.

We only picked up about 4 to 6 inches here at my house. I had to sweep the snow off of the satelite dish to watch LOST lastnight. And to think it was in the mid to upper 60's two days ago.

I hate Texas weather.

Weather

2008-03-02T23:34:00.003-06:00

Whether, whether, whether, whether you like it or not.

Weather, weather, weather, weather, is cold warm or hot.

I hate springtime in Texas. Tonight Mary went to bed early, and I stayed up to goof off.

As I'm getting ready to turn everything off, I turn on the TV to set it to our morning news channel.

Suprise! At 11pm the news is on, and its the weather.

Severe weather warning for my county. Tornado warning, and now this HUGE storm front is bearing down on my house.

Mary and William are asleep, and I'm checking to make sure my flashlight is handy, and that the pillows are stacked in the bathroom in case we have to hide in the tub.

Did I mention I hate springtime in Texas?

Still sick

2008-02-16T20:55:00.003-06:00

So Friday Mary and I went out and had dinner with one of my oldest and dearest freinds. I've been sick, and evidently got more sick. William's cough seems to have moved past the "barking seal" stage and into the "spewing phlem" stage.

Just letting you know mom, so you don't have to threaten to write me out of the will again.

By the way, John tells you and Dad hi.

Well Croup on a Cracker ! ! !

2008-02-13T23:38:00.002-06:00

Yes, my kid is sick. It really sucks because he's at that stage where he can't cough up the stuff, or blow his nose. This means... something, and I think it means its going to suck around here for awhile.

Valentine's day is tomorrow. We'll probably have some wild hallway sex. You know, you pass one another and shout "screw you!".

Just kidding.

I think any plans we've been dreaming up just got tossed out the window. Mary isn't feeling so hot either. We were going out Friday with one of my best friends from childhood, but now its up in the air.

Aside from mucus and a cough that wakes up the neighbors dog, we're doing fine here in Green Acres.

"Who put the goat in there"

Well that was emotional!

2008-02-12T20:39:00.001-06:00

Sorry for the outpouring of... whatever the hell that was.

In order to get things back on the track of being disgusting and irreverant I give you the following.

Please get your reading glasses so you can read the subtitles, and if my nephew is standing next to you, send him into the next room.

Oh yeah, crank those speakers. I want this as my ringtone.

And this classic, while not as awesome as the preceeding video, is still awesome.

Thankyou

Yes, we're still here

2008-02-12T20:24:00.000-06:00

We've had alot going on in our lives lately, and apologize for not keeping everybody in the loop.

No, it wasn't hunting.

No, it wasn't marital friction.

No, it wasn't that I had given up and quit.

It was life.

It was the Holidays.

It was spending time playing video games.

It was chores and challenges.

It was loss.

I'm very blessed with my family here at home. I'm blessed with my family outside these four walls as well. My parents and the family I come from, as well as my new family that I joined when I became a husband.

The blessing of my family is experienced everyday, and I want to apologize to all of you for not keep this site as up to date as you'd like, and to thank you all for the support you've shown.

It's a new year here at our home. Mary and I have joined a gym. We're not posting what we started weighing, or any of that stuff.

I'm quitting smoking. I've had some setbacks, but I'm not giving up.

We're planning on doing some home improvement projects this spring and summer, so I hope to have some good (non going to the ER) posts for ya'll later this year. We're getting out of debt, and have plans on leaving Green Acres in a few years.

We're happy, we're healthy, and we're blessed.

Here is our biggest blessing.

Yeah, I'm still alive

2007-09-23T21:21:00.000-06:00

So this weekend Mary and I got an invite to join some friends for a Ranger game, and it was supremely awesome. It was supremely awesome NOT for the game itself, or the 20+ minute fireworks show set to classic rock that followed the game, but because of the people who were there.

While we were there, I witnessed a man stop while coming up the aisle and pick up some money (my guess between 5-10 bucks). He then asked everybody in the immediate area if they had dropped their money. Nobody said it was their's and he then gave it to a section attendent to turn in to the lost and found. That was pretty cool. I witnessed people saying "please" and "thankyou" and "pardon me" and other niceties that don't get used enough.

The absolute coolest part was when they recognize the groups that are visiting that evening. There was a person who bough 80 season tickets and donated them to the USO so that soldiers returning for R&R could attend a game on him. That was a very generous gesture, but when they stood up to waive at the camera, the entire ballpark stood and applauded them. I got goosebumps, I got choked up, and I realised that no matter how much I cuss them on the highway, people are basically good.

Damn, its hard to be a cinic sometimes.

Ruidoso bound

2007-07-27T07:34:00.000-06:00

Well, like last year we are packing up and headed for the mountains. William is headed for Kingsland to spend the week with his Grandmother and Grandad (see Mom, I even capitalized it).

I'm not sure when we're coming home, but I'm looking forward to thin air, cool weather, and the latest Harry Potter book.

I'll try to update and post when we return.

Laters.

Another weekend down

2007-07-22T22:34:00.000-06:00

So, unless you've been living under a rock, you know that the last Harry Potter book has been released. There are 759 pages in this sucker, and my wife has now read them all. She went to Wal-Mart on Friday night for the midnight release of the book. Now less than 48 hours later she has finished the book. I'm waiting till our vacation to crack the cover on that thing, and its driving her crazy. She wants to discuss the story with me, but I've forbidden all mention of the story till I've read it myself. She hates me right now.

Saturday night we decided to grill some ribs. I know on pork ribs that low heat and slow cooking is the key. I just don't know how to do this. I fired up the grill, let it on low, and put on the ribs. I go inside the house and set the timer for 5 minutes to remind me to go check them. 5 minutes later I go outside with William and Mary to find my grill on fire. Actually its more like the ribs were on fire. I learned something new. Pork is combustable. I mean this stuff burns like wood, paper, and gasoline. After putting out the ribs, and asking Mary if she basted them in Napalm, I went about salvaging dinner.

I dare say I did a good job.

Ok mom, don't write me out of the will. I'm posting!

2007-07-15T20:10:00.000-06:00

My mother (who better be reading this) has requested that I update my blog and put up some pics of my kiddo. In the interest of continuing to be her favorite son, and to keep her from driving up here to kick my butt, here is a post.

I'm sure most of you are aware that its been raining here in Texas. Dad told me that droughts always end with a flood, and as usual the man is right. Living out here in the county, in our cardboard box of death, we of course have a septic system. For those of you who don't know what a septic system is and how it works, I'm sure google and wikipedia are only a click away.

Since our lateral lines were full of rain water we were having trouble with water consumption. As in take very short showers only when you have to, only flush the toilet when it asks you to, and of course don't wash any laundry because you'll dump 40 gallons of water into the flooded system. This would create back pressure that would then blow the toilet off the flange and floor our bathroom with all sorts of unpleasant stuff.

Doing laundry wasn't much of an issue anyway because the discharge pump had seized up again, and shredded the drive belt on the washer. We thought about fixing it again, but after 27 years we decided that this pair of washer and dryer were in need of being put out to pasture, or in our case out in the carport. Yes, appliances have moved into the carport again.

So I'm not known for making snap decisions when a chunk of cash is involved. I decided the front load energystar compliant washer would probably be a good idea since it uses only 14 gallons vs 40 gallons of a top loader. That and if we had an energystar washer Al Gore would stop calling us and telling us we needed to flush less, carpool, and turn off our air conditioner.

I was at Home Depot agonizing over what to do. Get a cheap top loader($300), cheap frontloader ($600), or just go to the laundry mat. Mom and Dad were kind enough to help us out, so I've got a budget and I can't decide what to do. Suddenly its like my mom was there in my head. I zoned in on a floor model. They were dented, scratched, discounted $150, discounted another %10, and they were throwing in a $50 HD gift card. The only thing they wouldn't do was deliver for free. They would do that for new ones, but not floor models.

I paid for them on Thursday, and went home to get the trailer out of the back yard so that we could pick them up Friday after work. It hadn't rained on Thursday so I thought I'd be alright to drive across my front yard, through the side yard, into the back yard, hook onto the trailer and park in the driveway.

I was wrong. Very wrong. Very wet, very stuck, very wrong. I didn't make it 20 feet before I came to a stop, stuck in my front yard. Ok, not a problem, I'll use the Jeep to pull out the Kia. Well if my chain was about 5 foot longer I'd have been alright. Instead I had not one but two cars stuck in my front yard. When I screw something up, I don't stop till it is totally screwed up.

Eventually my father inlaw came with his 4WD truck and yanked both my cars out of the mud, and helped me get the trailer out of the backyard. Now for the really sad part. All I had to do to get the trailer out of the back yard was to hook it to my riding mower which wouldn't have gotten stuck since it weighs so little. Yes, little dumb ass strikes again. But the good news is, I have clean laundry, and it hasn't rained since this little incident. But now I can do laundry, so Mary can clean my clothes after I finish filling in the ruts in our yard.

You can thank me for stopping the flood.

Small update

2007-06-11T20:21:00.000-06:00

Yes mom, I get the point. If you'll check out my flickr page you'll find some new pics of William.

Love you

Real Men of Genius

2007-05-22T09:23:00.000-06:00

Seriously, I can't write anything about this because it just writes itself.

I will add though that the marketer of this is going to be very, very, rich.

Discoveries

2007-04-23T06:14:00.000-06:00

William has discovered that if he can see it, he wants it in his mouth. This includes blankets, toys, dogs, furniture, people, and small appliances. He also has a bit of a temper when he doesn't get to put the dog's head in his mouth. He's also learned how to roll over.

Mary and I aren't prepared for a mobile baby yet. The other night he was on his blanket playing quietly, and the dog had fallen asleep a few feet away. William rolled off the blanket and rolled in front of the dog, at which point he screamed at the dog. I felt pretty bad for poor Libby. She's a real sweet dog who doesn't like loud noises, and our son snuck up and screamed at her while she slept. It was pretty funny though.

I have discovered that William likes to whine and gripe when he's perfectly happy. I think he forgets or doesn't realize he's vocalizing. You go check on him expecting him to be in distress because of all the whining, but he's smiling. Very confusing.

My wife has discovered that you should wash your hand after you put Orajel on the baby's gums. If you don't wash your hands, and then if you pick your nose... Well your nose goes numb and everything smells like cherries.

Hope ya'll had a good weekend.

Yeah, another month, another post

2007-04-08T20:49:00.000-06:00

Happy Easter, hope the bunny left you candy and eggs and not rabbit poo. Go to the photo page and see my son and other stuff. I'm not feeling like posting but mom threatened to injure me if I didn't get some stuff up this week. So mom, go to the photo page, put the hammer down, and leave my thumbs alone. I need them.

Whoa there, shut the door!

2007-03-03T06:35:00.000-06:00

So as many of the people who read this are parents, I'm sure they recall that once a baby arrives intimacy with your partner becomes a fond memory and about as rare as movie footage of Big Foot, JFK in Dallas, or Anna Nicole Smith not baked out of her mind. Well on Friday we got Wild Bill (who screamed and fussed for 4 1/2 hours solid the other night. Do babies go hoarse? God I hope so.) to bed early, and seeing as it was Friday we decided to get friendly.

Well you seem to lose track of whats happening around you while you're "holding hands" and whispering "sweet nothings" back and forth. I thought I heard our front door close, but dismissed it. Wild Bill was in his rocker asleep, the cats don't want to go outside, and the dogs lack thumbs, making it very difficult to manipulate a standard round door handle. I then heard another door open and close. Thinking we are being robbed I run to the bedroom door to see if anyone is still there before I grab my pistol off of the night stand.

Well it turns out a family member had stopped by unannounced with another family member who is a minor with them. I'm quite sure these two got to see much more of me than either one of them ever wanted. I just saw two people I didn't recognize at first in my living room, so I ducked back into the bedroom for my gun. They identified themselves and we, uh, had a very akward conversation through the door.

I'm just glad they didn't wake Wild Bill

And for the two people who witnessed me in all my glory, for the record IT WAS COLD IN THE HOUSE!

I'm back

2007-03-02T21:53:00.000-06:00

So last weekend's wind storm blew our internet antenae off the house. Let me tell you...

We are addicted to the net.

3 days without email, funny videos, or how to skin a fox from the net makes us crazy. So the technicians came back to stick that sucker...

ON THE FREAKING ROOF! I was at work while this was happening. Had I been here this would have not happened, but what are you going to do?

I'll tell you what I'M going to do. If my roof leaks where they mounted the antenae, I'm going to drive to that tech's house and drill some holes in his roof with a 3 inch hole saw.

So we're back, and we don't have any pictures up. I'd promise to post them soon, but I'd be lieing to you. I've been holding that carrot out for about 2 months now and haven't come through.

Sorry.

I'd give you more details and let you know what is happening with William's room, but I'm dying to get to my next post.

Fat Tuesday...

2007-02-20T22:20:00.000-06:00

... and I mean artery clogging fat. Mary and I fell of our diets over the last week, and tomorrow being Ash Wednesday we are going back on them hot and heavy, to get cool and lean. Sorry, I know that was a bad joke, you have permission to smack my hand when next we meet if you choose to do so.

So on Fat Tuesday you're supposed to really blow it out because tomorrow Lent is upon us and we give up something we like. Well, we decided to have some greasy burgers. Mary called in to Skinny's (I can't believe they don't have a website) and asked me what I wanted. Seeing as I've only had Skinny's once before, and that was probably 2 years ago, I forgot about the portions. I tell Mary to get me a Bacon Double Cheeseburger. Yes, I capitalized it and you're about to find out why.

IT WAS A WHOLE FREAKING POUND OF FRIED UP GROUND COW!!!

Probably a cow that didn't have a gun.

This thing is comical in it's proportions. Eat it like a sandwich? Only if my jaw is double jointed! This was mashed flat and it was still over 2 inches thick. Of course the bread was a joke. I'm sure it tasted good, but after absorbing enough grease to turn the buns clear (no, I'm not exagerating) they were freaking great! Bacon? Try 8 pieces. Cheese? Swiss, 2 pieces instead of one. Add to this a double order of chili cheese tater tots covered in garlic ranch dressing...

... I'm still miserable full.

I'm looking forward to the diet, because diet food may not taste anywhere near as good, but it doesn't make you're heart beat faster and get you short of breath the way Skinny's does.

Bring on the ham sandwich, I am ready.

Some people have a bit of time on their hands...

2007-02-13T22:07:00.001-06:00

And this is why I keep so many guns on hand at all times. You never know when the cows are going to rise up, and you might have to put down a cud chewing, four stomached bovine in order to save your family.

Crazy like a cow.

Hunting update

2007-02-05T21:33:00.000-06:00

So this weekend I went to the lease for one last hunt.

I must say, it was.... FRICKIN' COLD OUT DERE! On the way out the door the brass monkey was heard to say "Sucks to be you".

Saturday morning dawned (I think, it was dark and cold) at only 22 degrees and everything crusted with frost, to find me sitting in a 4' X 4' box on the side of a hill. Luckily I had my portable propane heater with me. Sorta.

I finally get the match to stay lit long enough to light the heater, and it blows up on me. I don't mean we had a little flare up. No, we had a fireball blast up in my face, but I was warm for a split second as my eyebrows burned. So now I'm freezing my butt off and I've got a heater on fire. Hunting at its best.

So around 9:30am I see a pair of deer off on a far ridge about 5oo yards away. Needless to say I didn't take a shot. A little later I watched a pair of doe come down the hill towards me. I should clarrify at this point that deer season is over, but we are supposed to be taking these deer off our lease to keep the herd's health up and prevent starvation. So I got a range finder for Chirstmas, but they don't work at all when stuff is frosty. The frost diffuses the laser and stuff that is close by reads as being 2000 yards away. Now I was corrected as to the distance my buck was killed at. I was originally told 350yards, but later told about 250. Using keeping these points in mind, I thought the doe were about 175 yards out. Turns out they were out 238 yards. Very agrivating.

I shot the larger of the doe at what was really 238. If you know anything about ballistics you know that stuff up close to you, the bullet impacts higher than when it impacts downrange. Gravity ya know. I could explain it, but it involves alot of math.

Long story longer, I am such a skilled shot that I hit the larger doe between her skin and her rib cage. Think about this, there is only about 1/2 inch of muscle between the skin and the sternum. The bullet is .308 in diameter, while the meat at this point is only .500. What are the odds? I skinned her chest and shaved a fist full of hair off of her but didn't do more than give her a shaving cut.

So feeling pretty good about myself, I sit back and let her settle down before starting to track her. While I'm relaxing (by now the sun is up and it's actually quite pleasant) I spot a squirrel down at the feeder. If you've read previously, I have tried to kill the squirrel at this feeder before. Well today he was in big trouble. He must have been a 5 pounder. He reared up on his hind legs, bared his little fangs, and charged. I must say, if you've never been on the receiving end of a wild squirrel charge, it is quite an experience. I knew I only had two rounds left in my gun, and he was getting ready to charge. I fired and missed, he kept coming, but my follow up round anchored him and saved me from a terrible gnawing. I was glad I had brought my .308 loaded with Hornady Light Magnum 150 grain Super Shock Tip that travel at 3000 feet per second in order to fend off such dangerous game. I was sure to prod him with my rifle when I got to the feeder just in case he was feigning injury in order to lure me within striking distance. Those squirrel are some dangerous game.

Anyway, back to the doe that I shot.

We followed a VERY spotty blood trail for a few hours until we could verify that she was not crippled and would fully recover.

At this point it was 2pm, I was a bit dehydrated and very hungry. I also managed to wrench my back somehow. So after lunch I slept for about 30 minutes before going out for the evening hunt. I called in a grey/gray (depends if you are from the UK I think) fox to within 50 yards. I would post pictures of this fox, but I shot him in the face. VERY messy. But the hide is in good condition and will tan nicely when I get some cash for the taxidermist. I was busy calling in a red fox when I looked off to my right and saw a very small doe at around 30 yards. I was thinking about shooting her since this was my last hunt of the year and my freezer is getting low, when she looked back behind my blind. I looked over my shoulder and saw 5 more doe behind me. The back window was closed and the deer were starting to bolt. I popped the window open and shot the biggest one.

She dressed out at 80lbs, which is quite big for doe on our lease. I didn't take a pic of her because doe just all look alike.

So there you have it. The last hunt of the 2006/2007 season.

1 Buck, 1 Doe, 1 Squirrel, 1 Fox taken.

8 Doe, 2 Squirrel, 3 Fox, and 1 Porcupine spotted.

Oh yeah, I already bought William a deer rifle.

Happy Bloggiversary or some junk

2007-01-07T22:59:00.000-06:00

Yup, been on the net for over a year now. I know some of you are suprised to see this site still up when you click to get here, and I'm one of them. The holidays were a blast, and I'll have to confer with Mary to get our stories straight as to what happened. New Year's was/is/will continue to be fuzzy for me. I'll give you more details later.

My mother has called me to let me know that I am falling behind with the photo's and stories of William. She's right, and I'm to blame. Again, I'll have to confer with Mary about William's happenings of late, but some things I can tell you all about.

He's got Cholic! And if that isn't how you spell it, I don't care! Seriously, poor guy acts as though he's got a rough case of the bends. He does stomach crunches, farts, belches, screams, and cries when we feed him. This makes dinner time not so fun. We tried the gentle ease stuff that is pre digested. It gave him green poo about 3 to 5 times a day. This stuff didn't come off. All a wetwipe did was push it around. This eased his symptoms for a week or so, then it got worse.

In desperation we tried soy formula. It was going great till he downed 4 ounces of said bean juice, then commenced to spray this nasty liquid all over me. He did the same thing to Mary twice now! I am talking a scene from the Excorsist people. I'm amazed his head wasn't spinning in circles when this happened!

Oh yes, I forgot to mention that Mary has Strep Throat, and I have Bronchitis. I haven't slept more than 3 hours at a stretch for the last 3 days, and currently am up with William. He has this lighted noise making, thing. It makes noises into songs. Noises such as frogs croaking, babies cooing, birds chirping, and it sets them to tunes such as...

Good Bye To Broadway
Eyes of Texas
Big Rock Candy Mountain
Farmer in the Dale
Chop Sticks
It Ain't Gonna Rain No More
The Entertainer

Mary is in bed, William is under the devil lights, the scary music is playing, and I swear to GOD himself I heard voices coming out of that toy. Could have been the dog snoring, or the cough syrup I took. Anyway, he's up and driving me crazy. Mary and I did a little Rock Paper Scissors and I lost.

This posting sucks for multiple reasons:

1. No pics of my son. Deal, I don't have the patience to deal with it tonight, so you'll have to wait.

B. I'm exhausted and rambling. This would normally be alright since my ramblings entertain me to some degree. Tonight on the other hand, they feel forced and whiney to me. I'd delete this entire post but I've invested too much typing to do that. I'm lazy and pretty screwed up on cold meds.

III. I'm just not in to it. I'm sorry but ya'll will have to wait till I'm feeling the spirit of doing this again. Could be a day or two, could be a month or more. I'll try to get some pics of William up on his photo page, but I'm just not in a blogging mood so far this year.

Laters

Merry Christmas!

2006-12-25T00:15:00.000-06:00

So it is now officially Christmas, and I get to spend it's first hour with my son. He doesn't seem to enthused about it. In fact he's had a bit of tummy trouble lately and isn't the biggest fan of eatting. It is all pretty stressful when you've got a screaming baby who's hungry, and does the gurgle thing when he's screaming through a mouth full of formula.

In other news, I finished my Christmas shopping with 2 days to spare. I think that is a new record for me. I've been busy being a parent these last few weeks, but managed to fix a few things around the house.

In regards to the flush remark I made awhile back, here's the story. Before Mary and I got married we decided to redo the floor in the bathroom. This was prompted because the toilet leaked at the floor and was rotting out the linoleum. I ripped out the floor, replaced a broken toilet flange, layed tile, and grouted while Mary was gone over a weekend. Yes, sometimes if things go right I can get things done quickly. Well, a few months later Mary used some bath oil in the tub and failed to mention this to me. I stepped into the shower and promptly fell out of the bath. Luckily the toilet was there to break my fall. I spun the pot off the flange, and only had one bolt left holding everything together. It didn't leak, but rocked around alot. In would also spin if you weren't paying attention.

Eventually the toilet supply valve decided to give up it's continence after 25 years. I replaced the valve with a 90 degree ball valve. This was smart because at some point down the road my son will flush an entire roll of toilet paper down the bowl in a single go. We've all been there right? Watching the water rise towards the top of the bowl. Begging it to stay in while you feverishly try to close that multi turn valve that is stuck. Not me. With the flick of my wrist the water is shut off c0mpletely and instantly.

While I was at it I replaced the toilet guts (circa 1987). A kit runs about $20, and is money well spent. All said and done, the toilet doesn't run, I don't have to jiggle the handle, it flushes right the first time (screw those water saver toilets, I want one that William needs to be tied to the sink to keep from getting sucked into the septic tank), and I no longer have to use the shower wand to fill the tank when I want to flush the pot. This may seem an unimportant task, but if your wife has ever given you the "what's wrong with you? This isn't a barn you know" look you'll understand the satisfaction that comes with a happy wife.

Oh yeah, here's some pics to tide you over for awhile.

He's the gift that keeps on pooping.

Mary and Will headed to Christmas Ever service, no I didn't go, and no I don't feel bad.

Close up cutie.

Yes, he's trying to nurse my nose. I told him he wouldn't be happy with anything that came out.

Hope you and yours have a very Merry Christmas. God bless, we're headed to bed.

MUSIC GEEKS UNITE!

2006-12-21T21:34:00.001-06:00

Enjoy.

Family!

2006-12-19T05:28:00.000-06:00

Weekend update, I finished sealing the grout on the tile and am moving on to Will's room. I doubt like hell it'll be done before the first of the year, but Will can't read a calendar yet so I'm not too worried.

This is my nephew (sister's son, not Mary's sister's son) who told me he didn't want his picture taken. I'm such a nice guy I tricked him into looking at the camera, and now you're on the net. Take that! Uncle Ben Strikes Again!

Is it just me or does William look just a wee bit aprehensive?

My son, my sister, my mom, my grandmother. What an awesome picture.

Me, my son, my sister, my mom, my nephew, AND my grandmother. It just keeps getting better!

I can't express what an awesome day Sunday was. We drove down to S'ville and dined with my mom's family at my Grandmother's home. She lives in an assisted living center and we ate lunch in a private dining room. 2 of my mom's brothers and their wives came down. J and C have been sort of MIA since M and I got married but were in attendance. They lodge sat so mom could attend our wedding and we've just missed them on several occassions since then. T and G are back from the lovely vacation get away that is IRAQ! Welcome home you two, we've missed you! C and M weren't able to attend, but turns out unless we wanted to hang out in the lobby, we were at maximum occupancy for G'mother's apartment We always enjoy visiting with family, and for some reason once you've got your own family, it takes on a whole new meaning.

I'd write more, but William needs to be put back down, and I've got to get ready for work.

P.S. Tryston, you are so getting a Betsie Wetsy for Christmas.

New Kid on the Block

2006-12-12T22:43:00.000-06:00

BIRTH ANNOUNCEMENT!!! CLICK HERE DAMNIT!!!

Fixed the link, try it now.

Yeah, William has a new friend. I'm not going to rank his cuteness because I'll piss off some parent somewhere, but he's cute, and if you are that touchy about the cuteness of your baby it's probably ugly.

Wow, lack of sleep makes you kinda sh*tty. If you are a child and are reading this, the * should be replaced with an i. Now go tell your parents they are doing a sh*tty job of keeping you from viewing inappropriate web sites.

Just doing my part to help raise the mouth breathers of the world. Wow, I am in a mood. Could have something to do with young Wilhelm "THE SCREAMING FECES MACHINE" having an absolute meltdown the last two nights. I swear you'd think someone had stabbed him in the head the way he was screaming.

Mary isn't sleeping, I'm not sleeping, and God himself probably can't get any sleep for all the noise this child makes. I will admit that it is getting better. He's only getting us up 2 times a night at this point, but he won't allow us to sleep till midnight. THANK GOD, FOR ALCHOHOL!!! I'm drinking till one of us stops crying. He and I play drink the beer, I win everytime.

On another note, I have been productive around the house. I'll save that for another post because "BABY BITCH-A-LOT" [{(Mary's term, not mine, and Mattel if you are reading this, don't make and sell a doll by that name, we have intellectual property rights damnit) however feel free to throw cash at us, we are in need of funds to fuel our new dependence on wine coolers and Keystone} hell, who am I kidding, we just want a by-line and some creative input on the final product, ya know, something along the line of the color of the poop and the arc of the urine stream] seems to be asleep at the moment. Am I abusing parenthesis, brackets, and other punctual functions? Yes I am.

YES, I am aware that I am slaughtering the English language and that this verbal depletion will lead us into the Apocolypse.

NO, I don't give a sh*t. And little kids who followed my advice from earlier in this post should have nice warm butt cheeks and revoked internet privileges.

Its Magic!

2006-12-11T22:23:00.000-06:00

Yeah, must be that clean living. It isn't Coors, but its more than a 12 pack.

I'll get online later tonight when I'm feeding William and let ya'll know about my weekend. At the moment he's about asleep and I'm not far behind.

Teaser for the next post: The Sweet Sound of FLUSH!

So...

2006-12-08T00:20:00.000-06:00

We put Will down 45 minutes ago. He'd been fed to the gills, changed, bathed, burped...

Now he's sitting in my lap, eatting, crapping, and crying...

First 12 pack of Coors and he's yours, enjoy. Come get this kid.

Oh Christmas Tree Oh Christmas Tree...

2006-12-07T07:09:00.000-06:00

...why do you lean so drunkly?

Who is the bastard at marketing that sleeps at night knowing he put this out to fool the world?

That picture on the box is NOT the actual product. That has to be like an artist's conception, or maybe one of those sketches they do in court because they won't allow cameras, or maybe, just maybe, THAT ISN'T THE SAME FREAKING TREE!!!

I can't grasp why the number of tips is important. It's not like someone will come over and admire the tree (like anyone is going to admire this pipecleaner reject) and comment,

"Nice tree, that's gotta have over 350 tips right?"

"Oh yeah, 389 to be exact."

No, if someone comes over they will ask us if our artificial tree was sick when it died. Yes, it looks that bad.

"Realistic Branches", my ASS! When is the last time you saw a branch that looked like twisted metal dipped in paper mache?

"Flame Retardant"... DAMN!

"Tree Stand Included"... Yeah, as you can see in the picture of ours, it works like a charm. Its like a leaning tree of cheapness and bad taste.

"Ten Year Warranty"... As if ANYONE will be hanging onto this gem for a decade. $15.77 at the Wal-Mart, well heck we're only paying $1.58 a year for this great tree with optional near vertical stand! What a bargain. Wait, and you mean I get to take this thing apart and put it in storage every season, and then drag it down to lean drunkenly in my living room? Where do I sign up?

Needless to say, Mary and I will be purchasing a new tree at the end of this season. I don't care that much one way or the other. I enjoy ranting about our tree, in fact if we keep it I'll make it a point of pride to continue using it. Sure, it's ugly, but it's paid for and I enjoy bitching about it. Funny story, Mary tried to put the tree together upside down. That's gonna cost me, but I thought ya'll should know.

In other news, I can't wait for Will to start eatting baby food...

Keep my ass up all night with the crying and the fussing...

Before I sign off and get dressed for work, I'd like to wish my big sister a happy birthday. Jose's is closed so we can't go there and have you wear the sombrero and have the staff sing Feliz Cumpleanos a Ti, but just know I was aware of your birthday and thinking of you yesterday. Love ya sis.

Oh yeah, Mary hit me lastnight for going to bed wearing ear plugs from the gun range. I think she's just a little jealous she didn't think of it first.

PICTURES OF MY MEAT

2006-12-04T08:05:00.000-06:00

Scroll down to view my meat...

PERVERT! VENISON! GEEZE!

Although the look on Mary's face when I told her I was going to post pictures of my meat on my blog was very entertaining.

Ok, the top pic is the meat, uh my meat, from the buck I killed this season. That is 15 packages of steak and 32lbs of ground. You can see, my freezer runneth over. I didn't shoot a deer this weekend, and judging from the condition of my freezer, I'd say that was a good thing.

Tag managed to shoot a VERY nice buck.

My brother in law took this doe. He would have had another but his black powder rifle misfired on him. All in all, it was cold but fun this weekend. I saw one doe, but passed on her. I also saw a skunk just walking down a fence line. That was pretty neat, you don't often see them unless they are being a nuisance in your neighborhood.

Check out the photo page for more pictures of Will.

Bring in the Brass Monkey

2006-11-30T21:51:00.000-06:00

Alright, the weather man has been wetting on himself for the last week over the "CANADIAN CRUSHER". Our favorite meteorologist (Evan Andrews) has been living at the station and just can't wait for the day he's really, REALLY needed at the station. I blame it on those damn dopler radar waves, or maybe its the paint he's huffing off camera, but anytime the weather has a hicup he starts drooling and gets kinda bug eyed, could be why he's our favorite.

Thats right, a big arctic cold front has come to North Texas. I always get a kick out of these fronts. If you've lived or spent any time in a state that gets snow on a semi-regular basis, you'll realize that in Texas we have a tendency to over react to foul weather.

BEEP BEEP BEEP...

BEEP BEEP BEEP...

Oh God, it's a weather alert. Is it a tornado? Severe thunderstorms? Frogs and Locusts?

"We interupt this regularly scheduled program for this important breaking news. A cold front is on it's way to your neighborhood. It is predicted to make up to 1 inch of snow. That's right, enough snow to leave a footprint! Horde food, water, batteries, pop tarts, beer, and gasoline. If you are an elderly Texan, you may not live through this".

Meanwhile in Ohio...

"Yeah, only 3 inches of snow, I can still find my golf ball."

We get so dang silly about the weather, or so it would seem. Most of these other states get snow. Do we get snow to make snow men, snow angels, snowball fights? No, we get screwed over and get ice.

You can drive on snow, you can't on ice, and this guy REALLY can't drive on ice.

Here's why I stayed in the house most of the day. To give you an idea of how close to home this was, thats my fence and my KIA in the foreground. The wind was dry and blew so hard that it actually evaporated some of the ice off the road so I went to town for some medicine, groceries, and movies around 5pm.

Most of the idiots were already in the ditch or back at the house. This made for short lines, although the hot chocolate section had a decidedly picked over look to it, and the Brookshires ran out of chip beef. Sad, so sad that I can't have chip beef with gravy on toast. I got some Little Debbie snacks, chocolate cake mix, and other unhealthy pickins instead.

Oh yeah, my son made a Stinky. I capitalize it because it's so foul it should be a proper noun.

Look to the photo page soon for more pics of my son being tortured.

We had comfort food. Lastnight it was nachos with painfully hot jalapenos. Blueberry muffins for breakfast (with a huge pot of coffee), tuna melts for lunch, and homemade pizza for dinner followed by chocolate cake and a glass of milk. Now we (Mary, William, Justice, Liberty, Casey, Alley, and myself) are all in the living room lounging around and thinking how good it is to have heat.

All hail heat.

My Dog

2006-11-26T09:06:00.000-06:00

!-- BEGIN bunnyhero labs pet code -->

I stole this from my wife's myspace page, and I'm sure she stole it from someone else. See, the internet has facilitated the theft of intellectual property. Isn't progress swell!

Turkey Day, Come and Gone

2006-11-26T08:22:00.000-06:00

So we survived another Thanksgiving, and I have no pictures from my wife's family get together. I'm headed to Cisco to see my family in a couple of hours, so I'll bring back some pics then. Just letting you know, we haven't sold William for beer money yet.

4 Weeks and I want to return him

2006-11-20T23:05:00.000-06:00

During the day, my son is pretty damn easy to get along with.

Feed him, change him, play with him, put him to bed. Lather, rinse, repeat as needed.

Now when Mary and I try to go to sleep, he starts screwing with us. I mean it, the little turd is using psychological warfare on us. I feed him, he falls asleep with the bottle in his mouth. I lay him down to sleep. He wakes 5 minutes later, screaming as though someone has stabbed him in his little head! I mean Jesus H (H is for Hosanah) Christ! So he's hungry again. I feed him the rest of his bottle and put him to bed. He wakes 5 minutes later screaming again. Acts like he's hungry, so I feed him part of a new bottle.

Was he hungry? Hell NO!

He was gearing up to spray baby puke all over his mother and myself. Let me tell ya, if you've never witnessed baby vomit, it is a sight to behold. So he lays there grunting and fidgeting as though he's uncomfortable, so you check and change his diaper, like you did 15 minutes ago when he woke up screaming the first time.

Then you stick a pacifier in his mouth to shut him up so you don't eat a gun barrel. HE PULLS THE DAMNED THING OUT HIMSELF, AND WAkES UP SCREAMING ABOUT IT!

I'm not cut out to be a parent. Tomorrow I'm gonna perform a do it yourself vacectomy while this pain is still fresh. HOW THE HELL DO PEOPLE HAVE MORE THAN ONE OF THESE?!?

I have an older sibling, what were my parents thinking when they tried, INTENTIONALLY, to get pregnant with me?

I know this doesn't make alot of sense right now, but I'm ready to to to to st ae as
]
a3
SNAP!

Goodnight.

Home again, home again, jiggity jig!

2006-11-19T21:13:00.000-06:00

Friday evening I drove to the deer lease to hunt me some... deer. Hence the name, deer lease. Oh heck, I'm tired so I'll cut to the chase.

Saturday morning, got to my blind about 6:15am. At 7:20am I farted, this scared an 8pt buck that had snuck within 30 feet of my blind. He wasn't sure of me, so he snuck around the otherside of the blind and got within 20 feet of me. I didn't know he was there and opened a can of Diet Dr. Pepper, and scared him for a second time. So I learned a bit about deer, and how you should pretend they are always around you, even when you can't see them.

At 8am I spotted a nice buck in the distance. He was heading into some dense brush and I would be unable to take a shot at him if he made it into the tree line. I figured he was 250 yards away, settled my crosshairs onto his upper rib cage, and squeezed the trigger. He took off, fell on his face, ran some more, fell down. I was feeling pretty good about this, and expected him to expire momentarily. He then ran back to where I shot him, and laid down. I figured he was going to expire right there, when he got up and staggered into the treeline. I didn't like the way he was moving, and went for help. My father-inlaw and my brother-inlaw helped me track him down. He'd only gone about 50 yards into the treeline. My brother-inlaw spotted him trying to slip off into the brush and called me over. I got within 25 yards and shot him in the lungs, he expired in less than 30 seconds. When we went to collect him and haul him back to camp we saw why he wasn't dead from the first shot. I BLEW HIS FRONT LEGS APART! It turns out that he was actually 350 yards away, not 250.

For those who don't know, bullets are subject to gravity. As they travel downrange they drop back to the ground. If you know the distance you are shooting at, you can allow for this drop by aiming above the desired point of impact. Ballistic lesson over.

Yes, I'd aimed too low for the distance and the bullet trajectory snapped the bones in both legs, crippling the buck. We got him back to camp and cleaned him. He dressed out at 110lbs, had 9pts, and was fat and healthy. Well, with the exception of 2 broken legs and being dead.

I know this post isn't up to my normal standard, but damn William is killing us. We just aren't getting any sleep. I'll update the deer season stuff later. Now here are some pics for you.

My first buck.

My second buck.

THIS YEAR'S BUCK!!!

Leg entrance wound.

Leg exit wound.

To the lease

2006-11-17T20:02:00.000-06:00

Bambi beware, I'm coming for you. Thumper and Flower better stay in the bushes, and God help the squirrel that steals corn from the feeder I'm hunting.

Toodles!

Somewhere, over the pasture... or across the street

2006-11-16T08:11:00.000-06:00

So this morning my trashcans are gone, and the neighbor must have saved his from the windstorm. So its looking like winter has decided to come play. I had to break out my leather coat and bring in the brass monkey. Should be good weather for the lease this weekend. Should the squirrels make a repeat appearance, I don't like their odds of survival.

Will is still kicking my ass. I'm tired, Marys tired, I think even the dogs are tired. The cats aren't, they sleep 16hrs a day. For those of you who haven't found it, I've put links on the sidebar to my son's blog, and my photo page.

So sleepy.

Update, and yes, I am still so sleepy. My huge 96 gallon dumpster on wheels was located in the field across the street lastnight, and brought home. We threw a party and told it we missed it, and to never wander away from home again. It's sibling, the brown Rubbermaid 45 gallon trashcan on wheels is still missing, and feared to be held against it's will. We've issued and Amber alert for this lightweight brown, cylindrical trash receptacle. If you have any information, Police urge you to contact local authorities at once. We've been a bit upset. I leave the porchlight on incase it needs help finding it's way home. With your support, we can get through this together. God Bless.

I think the wind might blow

2006-11-15T08:28:00.000-06:00

I just heard my huge heavy industrial trashcans leave the country on the northwest wind. I should be worried but I bet if I wait a little while my neighbor's cans will end up in my driveway.

Yes, Will is still killing slowly. I woke up at 1:30am with my wife crying along with my son. For those of you who don't know, this is bad. I sent her to bed and took Will to the living room. We played roll your eyes (I won, but he's getting good), a little formula, some head rubbing, and I had him calmed down. At this point he decided to load his diaper. Must have been a good one because it woke him up. I changed him and layed him back down. We had a discussion as he lay there staring at the ceiling.

Me: Stop driving your mother nuts.

Will: We're bonding.

Me: No, you are not being the good baby.

Will: How do I do that?

Me: You stop driving your mother nuts!

With that, he turned his head to the side and closed those little eyes. I'm such a great father.

Baby Finger Nails

2006-11-12T21:57:00.000-06:00

So William's nails have grown out enough that he's started to scratch his face. I just finished trimming those talons, and let me tell you something. I'd rather work with Michael J. Fox diffusing homemade bombs that do that again. Nails and cuticles that small, paired with clippers that are adult sized, make you scared you're going to cut off the tips of his fingers. Next time I'm just dipping his fingers in liquid rubber to protect that cute face.

Bombsquad out.

Happy Birthday to ME!

2006-11-12T21:15:00.000-06:00

So today I turned 30, and I don't feel a day over 15. I'm still the immature smart ass I've always been, I just have more credit, bills, and responsibility than ever before. That being said, I still enjoyed having Happy Birthday sung to me, as well as opening presents. Yeah, I still get a kick out of opening pretty wrapped packages.

At noon today my folks made the trek from Kingsland to wish me a Happy Birthday (and yes I'm capitalizing it because it's MY birthday, and as such it's a proper noun). Like Frank and Marie, they brought a cake to little Raymond. The role of Robert was played by their Pomeranian named Rosie. She's having a tough time of it and showing her age. She's blind, losing weight, and very confused. This made me sad because I helped raise her from a pup. I remember when she first came home as property of my sister. I fed Rosie her first slice of pizza, and had to clean up her first case of exploding ass. Poor thing whimpered alot, mainly due to the very spicy pizza.

My folks bought us lunch from Chili's, which if you've read much you'll know we eat entirely too much of. They also brought us my favorite cake from my childhood, a Stripped Rich Cake. In a nutshell, it is a yellow sheet cake that you make tons of holes in with a straw. You use a straw because you are creating voids in the cake for the topping to seep into. The topping is chocolate pudding mixed with powdered sugar. this permeates the cake and keeps it very moist. Stick that badboy in the fridge for a few hours and you've created a treat that can't be beat.

They oohed and aahed over young William (aka Prince William, Wilhelm, Pumpkin, My Little Piggie, but never Willy) as grandparents are supposed to. They fed him, burped him, tickled him, but never changed him. I guess it is the reward for them raising me and my sister that they get to have the FUN part of raising a baby and skip the unpleasant stuff. For unpleasant stuff, see my post on urine guns and projectile poo. I really enjoyed their visit, and the day was far from over.

At 5pm we were at my sister inlaw's house for my Birthday Party. We brought pizza, cake, soda, and icecream. My diet died a gruesome death today. Pretty much the whole family was there with the exception of my mother inlaw (who was feeling poorly, and I missed getting a Birthday hug from her) and my neice who was feeling under the weather as well. Hell folks, should have come, I showered and everything. Seriously though, it really meant alot to me that as many people showed as they did. I feel really loved by my new family. They seem to have accepted me into the tribe, and haven't tried to kick me off the island yet.

We played horseshoes, and I lost 4 games in a row. Now before you think I can't play the horseshoes, I want it noted that I had 4 ringers, a leaner, and a whole bunch of single points. The team we were playing against were just better. Then we had the cake and icecream, as well as me opening my presents. I got a new game for my 360, a blood tracking light (don't ask me how it works, technology confuses me, I'm pretty sure if you break open a TV set the characters will all spill out on the floor, that stuff is magic), some gift cards, and lots of Birthday hugs.

It was an awesome day for me. For William, you'll have to read his thoughts on his blog.

Laters, and HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO ME!

Joys of parenting.

2006-11-08T08:12:00.000-06:00

Lastnight we were finally able to give Wilhelm a real bath. We'd been waiting for his umbilical cord to fall off, as well as his, uh... Alright, we'd been waiting for a plastic ring to fall off of his penis from his circumcision. If you want details, and have a strong stomach, google "plastibell" for more details.

Anyway, we strip him down, fill the sink and get him ready for a nice warm bath. I am smart enough to know that with my long arms I'm going to be the one bathing and holding him, so I strip down to an old pair of shorts to avoid any unwanted soiling of my good clothes. This was smart on my part.

I swear he shot a stream of yellow poo and hit me from 2 feet away. I was sufficiently grossed out, and ran about the kitchen screaming like a little girl with my arms flailing about my head and shoulders.

Mary laughed.

After that bit of excitement we bathed him in the new sink. He did not enjoy the bath AT ALL. You'd think we were pinching his monkey toes with pliers for all the screaming he did.

So he was cold when he was pulled out of the water, and unhappy about it. Come to think of it, if this kid isn't eatting or sleeping he isn't happy. I tried to comfort him, but first I slapped a diaper on his tiny heiny to protect me from his magnum corn gun.

And we are starting a weekly photo for our son. We'll try to post these on Mondays from now on. I'll stick 'em on this blog since I'm in need of content and I'll post on Wilhelm's blog as well, plus other pics so his grandparents can see him in all kinds of funny pics.

Yeah, he's a little Milk Drunk.

Opening Weekend

2006-11-08T07:29:00.000-06:00

Well, Mary let me out of the house for some deer hunting this last weekend. I drove out to the lease on Friday evening and we were up at 5am hunting the deer. 5am was actually a bit of sleeping in since it was all pretty much uninterupted. I saw 5 deer on Saturday morning; 2 mature does, 2 fawns, and 1 button buck. For those not in the know, a button buck has little nubs, usually less than 1" in lenght for antlers. I passed on all these deer since it was early on opening morning and you don't know what might walk out of the woods next. What walked out next was a squirrel. Actually 2 squirrels. I watched these little thieves take corn out of the feeder for about half an hour before I decided to try and put a stop to this action. Now before you judge me harshly for shooting at a couple of cute little squirrels, I took pictures of them and think the office of homeland defense would endorse my termination of these suspicious individuals.

So I lined up a shot on one of them, put the crosshairs on his little head, and sent a 150 grain balistic tipped .30 caliber projectile hurtling across the 135 yards seperating us at a screaming speed of 3000 feet per second... and the little bastard ducked. The groud directly behind the squirrel blew apart and the little corn stealing tree rats took of so fast I'm pretty sure I saw one with a little red cape.

Anywho, Saturday afternoon and Sunday morning were a bust. I only saw one doe that was immature, so I passed on her. The season is just beginning and Mary says I'll get to go again at some point.

So there is my hunting update, enjoy.

Just so you know

2006-11-06T21:09:00.000-06:00

My connection to the net is a bit spotty at the moment. Due to this it could be a little while before I update you on the weekend. We're alive here, and my son has nasty swamp ass. I love him.

Argument for hunting

2006-11-03T09:28:00.000-06:00

CLICK ME TO FIND OUT HOW MUCH WE SACRIFICE TO PROVIDE FOR OUR FAMILIES.

Let ya'll know on Sunday how things go.

I am TLC's bitch

2006-11-01T12:15:00.000-06:00

As much as I hate to admit it, I found myself watching TLC all freaking day yesterday, and again today. I'm not REALLY watching, its background noise. I mean, I don't watch shows about dwarves, dysfunctional families and monastaries, people without fashion sense, and most definitely don't watch shows about new born babies and the parents dealing with them.

THAT'S A LIE, A FILTHY LIE! MY SON AND I AREN'T WATCHING "WHAT NOT TO WEAR".

Alright, maybe just a little.

Gotta say though, they have one of the most awesome ad campaigns ever.

LIFE LESSONS

Check out that link and watch the videos. Remember, the holidays are coming soon.

Somehow this just isn't that funny

2006-10-31T22:15:00.000-06:00

So this morning I pop out of bed around 6am, after logging about 5 hours of sleep, and take Wilhelm into the living room for a bit of breakfast. I'm drinking my coffee, he's drinking whatever the hell is in baby formula, and life is good. He and I make faces at one another and burp in each other's faces until Mary gets up and decides we both need baths. Mine was pretty uneventful, but Wills was fun.

Bathing a baby is one of those little pieces of being a parent that you just aren't ready for. First of all, the kid is cold, pissed off, and tries to make a break for it. Even if that break involves rolling off of the counter and onto a tile floor, they will go for it. Good Lord, I've gotta say my kid hates bathtime, and after we were both done screaming at each other I say let him run around and we'll hose him off when company comes to call.

Right now it is about 10:15pm. This is a time that, before I became a parent, I looked at as being the warning bell. I only had another hour and a half before I really had to THINK about getting ready for bed. Now 10:15 had become that mythic time of "wow, you really stayed up past 10pm? You must be exhausted." I found myself napping in my office chair at 5pm. I don't nap. If I nap I wake up feeling queasy and unbalanced. Now if I don't nap I feel irritable, angry, hostile, and somewhat sensitive to outside stimulous. Today for example, they are building a development across the street from our house. And when I say across the street, I mean if I don't put on some clothes in the morning, I end up mooning the crew not 30 yards from my bedroom. I think Mary is handling the lack of sleep better than I am. She only cries once a day.

Anyway, he's sleeping now and will be awake again in less than an hour. At that point he'll want to be entertained until 2am or so. Then he'll sleep till 4, maybe 6am, and get us back up. I love him. I love him alot. If I didn't love him, he'd be living in a crate with our dogs in the back room instead of a crib next to our bed.

There, just letting ya'll know. I apologize if I've ever been smug about someone's new kid. Obviously I have been because God is smacking me around to teach me the errors of your ways. I kid you not, I'm sorry. I'm sorry for stuff I'm sure I haven't done, but may have thought. I'M SORRY! Now could you let my kid sleep through the night? Please?

There you have my scary Halloween post, and if you're thinking of having children, come borrow mine for a day or two and you'll be cauterizing your reproductive organs with a soldering iron and a rusty pair of pliers.

Happy Halloween!

I'LL BE DAMNED!!!

2006-10-31T00:37:00.000-06:00

Long skinny legs.
Pale skin.
Big Feet.

I DONE BEEN HAD!

Family Guy - Babies - video powered by Metacafe

Fatherhood = Eternal Drowsy

2006-10-29T23:27:00.000-06:00

Alright, I've been a parent for exactly 1 week. I now know absolutely nothing about being a parent, other than you don't sleep much any more. Also you don't wear anything nice around your kid, ever.

Wilhelm has got a nasty reach with his urine cannon. Booger got me from the far end of the kitchen while getting a bath. Oh, and bathing a baby is a giant waste of time. Unless that kid is sticky and visibly dirty, let em roll on another day. Its not worth the wee in the face or the ruined duds.

We are also proud owners of a product known as the diaper genie. Whoever the genius who invented this is, should have the freakin Nobel Peace Prize. It is basically a plastic intestine that you put a dirty diaper into, twist the case and it seals off the diaper. Wilhelm doesn't have swamp ass yet, but we are ready for that day, or as ready as a clueless father can be.

Oh, also I can honestly say, my kid's sh*t don't stink! I'm holding out hope it stays that way for a few more days.

Yellow!?! Why is it yellow? Seriously, I'm talking school bus yellow.

So we are still plugging along, we haven't broken our kid, and he hasn't broken us yet.

Although I must admit to watching Texas Chainsaw Massacre 2 lastnight while giving him a bottle and burping him. Does this make me a bad parent, or just someone with bad taste in movies?

Gotta go, Iron Chef is on, and tonight's secret ingredient is dirty diapers.

So the hospital does believe in "Catch and Release"

2006-10-25T22:11:00.000-06:00

We arrived at the hospital on Sunday at 6PM.
William was induced at 8:30am Monday, and was suppose to have been induced at 6:30am.
Labor with pushing and running everyone out of the room started at 10pm.
William was born at 11:54pm on Monday.
We were discharged at 1pm Wednesday.

I have stories, and I have over 250 pictures, and I don't have time to do either one properly tonight. I will fill you in on our first evening at home as parents without a battery of nurses at our beck and call.

Got home and fed William.
Put William to bed.
Put Ben and Mary to bed.
Woke up, cooked dinner, changed baby, put baby back to bed.
Fed baby, changed baby, put him on the coffee table as a conversation piece.
Put baby to bed, put Ben and Mary to bed.

So far we have managed to avoid breaking our child, or having to call medical personel for advice. I think we're going to be alright.

I started a new blog for William, so if you don't care for cutesy baby stuff, you don't have to read it here.

CLICK THIS LINK

Alright, some baby pics for those of you that missed it, or like Mary and myself, can't get enough baby.

T Minus 21 hours and counting

2006-10-22T07:57:00.000-06:00

Dear Lord, we are going to be parents this time tomorrow. The living room is all cleaned up, as is the kitchen. The bedroom and bathroom just need a little cleaning, and a whole lot of stuff is headed back to the storage building. The car is to be washed, the baby seat installed, and the freakout to be commenced.

So lastnight Mary and I went to Montana's for a little meal I like to consider, "THE LAST MEAL WHEN IT WILL JUST BE THE TWO OF US". It was really nice. We had good food, and good conversation. When we got back home Mary was getting a little bit ready to go ahead and have the baby. I call this shot "I'm Miserable".

Well, we are heading to the hospital to check in this evening, and won't be blogging anything for a few days. The next time you hear from me, I'll be a dad. Yeah, it scares me too.

Panic Attack

2006-10-20T06:24:00.000-06:00

ahem...

JUMPING JESUS ON A POGO STICK! THIS IS MY LAST WEEKEND BEFORE I BECOME A FATHER!

uh, I guess that's about it. Thanks

At the Doctor's Office

2006-10-17T21:43:00.000-06:00

I can't express how much fun it is to be a guy at the OB/GYN office. Today Mary had a 2:45pm appointment with her Dr., and since we are having a baby in less than a week I thought I'd tag along and see if I needed to be aware of anything. So we stroll in on time, and let me tell you guys, there is nothing worth reading at the lady doctor's place.

If you like Women's Golf Digest, Martha Stewart Living, Better Homes and Gardens, and Redbook, then budy you are going to love the magazine selection. Me, I'm strolling through the doors with the latest issue of Guns & Ammo. A fine publication if ever you wanted to know which gun would be best employed to deter a guest from liberating your property. Let me tell ya, I could have brought in a "Busty" and a bottle of lotion into the waiting room and received less hostile looks from the patrons of this office. Seriously, one woman was trying to get as far away from me and not look as though she were, as if I would draw down and plug her where she stood.

I picked up on this vibe and rolled up my fine periodical to watch some TV. Gotta say, some cool guy must have been in the waiting room before I arrived because it was tuned to DIY network. This is a premium channel that we don't get, so I was sucked into a bathroom remodel and not paying attention to my surroundings. I was brought back to earth when from across the waiting room a large middle aged hispanic woman called out to Mary,

COW: "How many are you having?"

Mary: "Just one."

COW: "My goodness you sure are BIG! How far along are you?"

Mary: "We're delivering on Monday."

COW: "Wow you sure are BIG!"

At this point I am glad I am holding a magazine of guns, and not any actual firearms. I think Mary was about to use my rolled up copy to give this woman a trachiotomy, and I'd have held down the cow to let her. I've never been pregnant, and God willing never will be (I'm a good boy don'tcha know) but I can't imagine a late term woman enjoying some total stranger yelling out how big you are.

So sonogram looks good, we're going to check again on Thursday to see if any last minute changes need to be made. All in all not too bad a visit, until we go to check with the desk to confirm our appointment and this hairy cow exclaims yet again how big my wife is.

It's alright, I know there is a special place in hell for this woman. And honey, you're positively petite.

Dear Lord, is the old "Sins of the Father" bit?

2006-10-16T22:39:00.000-06:00

Net Nanny
Cyber Patrol
Taking away the FREAKING KEYBOARD!

I know it is years away, but I don't think I'm going to let William on the Information Super Highway till he gets his drivers license.

The Internet Porn - video powered by Metacafe

The kitchen crippled me

2006-10-13T06:05:00.000-06:00

I don't know if you can tell in the pictures, but we have a new stove. Like the sink, you can tell it is quality due to its extreme weight. I haven't looked up the exact weight (because I don't care enough to do so, and if I find out what it really weighs it takes away my ability to exagerate) but it's alot.

I went on Columbus day to the Lowes, because I was tired of waiting for Home Depot's help, and bought a nice shiny glass top stove. When I got home I backed the trailer to the door, grabbed my two wheeler, and put that sucker in the kitchen. It was while dropping the stove off of the trailer that something in my back seems to have popped, and not in the nice "oh yeah, that feels good" kind of pop. No, this was in the "dear Lord on high, please tell me my body didn't just make that noise, and why am I seeing sparks in left eye?"

I have been laid up with a bad back since Monday and everytime I think it's getting better, I wake up crippled up like an octogenarian who was out in the rain yesterday, busted his ass on a skate board, and then slept on a pile of rocks. Frankly I'm tired of hearing "Honey, you gonna make it?" instead of "Good morning handsome, virile, not falling apart husband".

Due to this unplanned injury (not that I sit down with my calendar thinking "hmmm, tuesday at 1:15pm I have time to squeeze in a twisted ankle") we are not going to have the tile finished in the dining room or the bar area before young William arrives to party like its his birthday. While bummed, we are glad to start the "nesting cleaning".

If you are unfamiliar with this, and God knows I was, it is when you freak out and decide that every surface in your house is a disgusting breeding ground for SARS, EBOLA, ANTHRAX, CLEFT PALLETS, and RUNNY NOSES! Yes we are in full blown sanitize it mode. What, you may ask does this mean. To give you a clue I vacuumed the freaking ceiling! Swear on a stack of free Gideon Bibles I used my shop vac to actually clean the ceiling. The part that really upset me was you could tell where I did it! I think that sucker is 3 or 4 shades whiter. I'll check with my Crest teeth whitening chart for the final number. Yep, 4 shades whiter. Maybe I should have just stuck the teeth film on the ceiling... never mind, the muscle relaxers are making me silly.

Speaking of muscle relaxers, if any of you are in a Dr. kind of way, is it safe to take 3 yr old perscriptions for anti inflamation and muscle relaxers, or should I call poison control now?

I know I still haven't put up any new pics, and for that I'm not sorry. I'm busy. But if that chapped your butt in any way I hope this will make up for it.

I'm sure there is a moral to this, but I'm too looped to care. Enjoy.

Gopher Broke - video powered by Metacafe

So Its Columbus Day

2006-10-09T22:07:00.000-06:00

1492 Columbus sailed the ocean blue, and 514 years later I put my kitchen back into working order. That is correct, the sink, dishwasher, stove, fridge, food, dishes, and all the other crap is back in the confines of the kitchen and out of Williams room to be.

Unfortunately the tools and other crap needed for the remodel are back there now. This means that when William arrives he will not have his own room. Mary and I have reconciled ourselves with this development but I feel I've failed to prepare for my kid.

KITCHEN PHOTOS!!!!

I'm not posting pictures from the send off party or of P and S's new baby yet. Mainly because I have a deep cut on the tip of my middle finger and it hurts to type. I won r what it woul look lik if I i n't us my mi l fing r. Oh yeah, its on my left hand. So right now I'm wiped out and will get back to you soon.

Just so you know

2006-10-05T20:56:00.000-06:00

I haven't forgotten about this blog. I just have been a bit busy lately. In the last 3 days I've had a combined 18 hours of sleep. This isn't so good for me. Mary has been sick and the kitchen has been getting worked on. I have finished painting almost all of the cabinet doors and found out that the hinges we bought don't fit correctly. Great, now I've got doors with a gap on them. So I have to take down all the doors I have already hung and redrill the frames to hang the doors so they don't look like ass. Sorry about the swearing, I don't know if I've done that before on the blog.

Anyway, I put the stove and fridge back in, hooked up the water, trimmed out the window and tile transitions, hung my light fixtures, and installed my base boards. I now have to rehang and hang the doors, install new light switches and a new outlet, finish tiling the floor, and I'm calling this pig done.

Yes, I am aware that I still haven't posted new pictures from the send off party, my friends new baby, or any of the kitchen pics.

No, I haven't forgotten and will get them posted at some point in the future.

Yes, I am freaked out about being a father, and it hasn't happened yet. Everybody tells me how I'm going to be a great dad. I hope they are right, but I won't know till I get the person that makes me a dad. What if I suck at it? I mean c'mon, I screwed up scrambling eggs a few years back. No harm, no foul, just go get more eggs right? What happens when you screw up a kid? They don't come with an extended warranty. The take awhile to make. You can't run across town to kids r us and get a replacement 3yr old if you forgot to kid proof something.

I've already thought back on the things I did as a child, and am amazed I lived to be almost 30. Now the thought of my kid riding a bike makes me want to vomit. The idea of letting them go anywhere without me to make sure no molestors, drunk drivers, ninjas, and terrorists are lurking around is just not conceivable.

In less than 3 weeks we are giving birth to a bobble head that cries and can't communicate what it wants or needs. Pardon me, I've got to puke now.

Yeah, I know

2006-10-02T23:42:00.000-06:00

I am running behind again, and for a very good reason. I'm busy. I mean like one armed paper hanger busy. I have pics, but you can't see them tonight because I have to get back up in a few hours. I promise to get the pics of Jakes send off party and some other thing we did recently, as well as updated pics of the kitchen.

In the mean time enjoy the future of parenting.

Family Guy - Annoying Stewie - video powered by Metacafe

Mary, your earplugs are waiting.

Alright, I wish I could get Japanese TV

2006-09-21T22:22:00.000-06:00

Don't Sleep In Japan - video powered by Metacafe

Wow, I mean you take away a country's ability to wage war, pack way too many people on an earthquake prone island, and make them subject to attacks by giant lizards and robots, and they just turn on each other. The main thrust of the TV programing over there seems to be throw the other guy under the bus. Come to think of it, that might be the next clip I find. Maybe after that they'll substitute a guys sushi with a dog turd. What a mean bunch of people. The always seem to be smiling over here too. Makes me wonder if they are planning to attack again, or just want to hold casting calls stateside for more TV shows.

Sleep well tonight, but only if you don't have a Japanese neighbor.

Who are the crazies in your neighborhood?

2006-09-20T21:08:00.000-06:00

So tonight I step outside with Mary to enjoy the cool air and feed my nicoteine habit. I look down the street to my neighbor's house because she's blaring some loud music out her open front door. Let me tell you about neighbor, and yes this is the one with the mean dog. She's middle aged, white, and dumb as a stone.

She's blaring THE TOADIES and BUTTHOLE SURFERS at obcene volume.
This in itself is pretty strange because she's usually so quiet. The next thing we know she comes staggering out of the house wearing a long t-shirt (and that was probably all, I wasn't going to check) and begins to trim her bushes in the front yard. She's trimming them with her BARE FREAKING HANDS! This is ocurring at 9:30 at night! Then she begins to dance and sway in the yard. I'm pretty sure if this had continued long enough we'd have gotten quite a show.

It took a couple of years, but we got another crazy, loony toon, neighbor who's probably a drunk as well. At least she was entertaining.

Just so you'll know

2006-09-18T21:42:00.000-06:00

HERE IS WHY OUR SON IS NOT TO BE CALLED "WILLIE"

I jokingly called our son Willie and almost lost my life. Seriously, no sooner had those words left my mouth than a sub 5 foot woman cornered me in the kitchen, twisted my ear, and gave me "THE LOOK". We all know the look, and my wife being a teacher is a master of "THE LOOK". I dare say she's something of a Jedi when she employs "THE LOOK".

Artist's representation, in no way represents my actual wife, who is going to kill me tomorrow when she checks this blog and commits an act of homicide upon the author of said blog.

Mary: You don't ever want to call our son that do you?

Ben: I don't ever want to call our son that.

Mary: You will get back in the kitchen and make it new and beautiful.

Ben: I will get back in the kitchen and make it new and beautiful.

Mary: These aren't the droids you're looking for.

Ben: These aren't the droids we're looking for.

I swear on George Lucas' beer gut she's that good.

On other fronts, my good friend Paul is a father for the first time. His wife gave birth over the weekend to a 7lb 19.5 inch long man child. I'm so excited for them. I think I'll try to swing by and congratulate the new parents (and see just how bad this new born thing is). Oh yeah, the boy's name is Benjamin. I'm going to claim he's named after me until someone tells me otherwise. Paul, if you care to set the record straight, feel free to use the comment section. And again, congrats my friend, I'm excited for you, and I can't stop using commas, or keep from using run on sentences, or a whole host of other things that would get my degree revoked for abusing the English language.

On other fronts, the kitchen is coming along, slowly,,,,,,, love the commas. I'll try to get some pictures up tomorrow. Over the weekend I glued my counters down, installed my sink and dishwasher, and tonight I hooked up the water and drain lines. I must say, it was a spiritual experience when we turned on the water. I'm going to be father to a new kitchen before "WILLIAM" arrives.

Levitating Toilets, NOW... Rocket Chairs....

2006-09-14T22:20:00.000-06:00

For those of you like laughing at Japanese people being thrust out the top of public toilets...

You should be ashamed. I mean we nuked them 60 years ago and now you're going to laugh at them baring ass on top of a toilet?

ME TOO!

I GIVE YOU!

ROCKET CHAIR!.

Make sure you're not drinking while watching this.

Poster is not responsible for damaged keyboards and monitors.

We are Ben

That is all

I'm busy, and too lazy to post.

2006-09-13T20:23:00.000-06:00

Sorry

2006-09-08T07:35:00.000-06:00

Alright, you don't come here for my emotional depth and maudlin thoughts. I blame it on the beer and grout dust that I inhaled while working. Funny thing about grout, its sand and dust that need water to turn into mud. If you inhale grout dust, for some reason you end up with rock lined nasal passages and boogers that require a jack hammer to remove. Always wear a dust mask, cause if not you won't be able to pick your nose anymore, and that'd be sad.

I don't speak Japanese, but I think you'll figure this one out. Let it load and enjoy. And stay away from portable toilets, especially at the beach.

POTTY HUMOR

William, I love you

2006-09-08T01:03:00.000-06:00

It is 2am and I'm finished grouting my kitchen floor. It has been about 7 hours of knee aching hell but it is finished for now. Mary went to bed a few hour back, and I'm headed that way myself, but first I thought I'd air a few thoughts I've had while on my knees getting tired and dirty.

First off, I'm doing this because Mary and I can't stand the thought of our first born playing on these nasty floors, and I want to put a smooth surface down for little William to play with his Tonka trucks and How Wheel cars. I want these things for him because I love him. I haven't met him yet. I haven't seen him except in profile in a black and white sonogram, but I love him. I'll tear this whole house apart and build it again if needed for your health and well being.

I also love my father, William. He doesn't use that name, but my son will bear it and I'll be proud to call him as such. In my memory, my dad was always a man who did for himself and never found a challenge he couldn't overcome. I try to be the man I remember my father being when I was a child, and hope to set a good example for my son.

Two Williams, one my future, and the other my hero.

New Mexico, enjoy

2006-09-06T22:09:00.000-06:00

I think it was here I told some backseat driver to shut up. They didn't so I locked the windows, turned on the heater and farted. Ha!

One of these guys isn't related to the other two. Can you guess which?

Now these are some pretty ladies. Queens of the Indian Casino, and Princesses of the Race Track. Yeah, I'm a suck up.

My father and mother inlaw. Right after this was taken she began trying to toss him over the rail. Don't know why...

My brother and sister inlaw. Sometimes they aren't able to join us for family get togethers, we were so glad they made the trip. We all had a blast.

What a good looking couple! Altitude and pregnant women, not such a good combination.

Bob learned his lesson and is staying away from the last railing before the mountain drops away.

Here is a shot of the valley and village of Ruidoso, also the road we drove up to get there. You don't get in a hurry in the mountains.

In case you didn't know, that is a Golden Eagle, and it was only about 30 feet above me. Nice huh?

The flowers in the foreground were full of bees.

The women doing what they do to take care of their men.

And the men showing how much they want to contribute to meal time.

You get bored on a 9 hour trip.

Chuck and Ellen were nice enough to spend most of the trip in the very back. My knees thank them very much!

My view pretty much the whole trip.

Gotta say the scenery is nice.

Pam: Look guys, rain things!

Mary: You mean clouds?

There its done and hope you enjoy.

I got in a fight with the house...

2006-09-06T21:17:00.000-06:00

... and I gave it a titty twister, and made it cry uncle! Thats right, I've been productive and been successful at some more stuff. But first I'll get you caught up to date with this last weekend.

Friday we were dead at work, and it also coincided with opening day of dove season so we closed down. I made a trip to the Lowes for more tile. I think I got a bit much but at only 68 cents per foot ten cases only cost $117. What is left over from the kitchen will be used in the laundry room. I had ripped up all the tile already and got down to laying tile the right way. I measured and double checked my reference lines at for at least 2 hours before actually laying my first tile. At that point I checked again a few times to make sure it was all good. So I ripped up 36 feet and layed 32 feet. Not quite back to square one but at least this wouldn't need to be ripped up again. I finished pretty late and packed up my tools and gear for the lease but decided to leave in the morning instead of driving late at night.

I got up bright and early on Saturday and was out the door and rolling before sunrise. 2 hours later I'm parked at the lease and all by myself. Everyone was hunting at a place about half an hour away so I got to work by myself. It was pretty dry at the lease this year (heck it was dry everywhere in Texsa this year) so we didn't have to mow much around the cabin. I got the weed whacker and whacked weeds, grubbed mesquite trees, and cleaned up the place a bit.

My brother inlaws and myself went to fill feeders and that wasn't such an ordeal. Funny enough, this could only happen to me at the lease (where I have been bitten or stung by something every opening weekend of dove season) I put my hand in my pocket and swear to GOD I had a bee sting me on my ring finger.

After a quick lunch we cleaned up a bit more around camp, then shot some skeet. I think the optimal phrase would be shot AT some skeet. I didn't do too bad, getting about 1 out of 3 shots. Then we loaded up and went to the field. I didn't get any birds, but didn't shoot much either. Slow day. We ate at the Bar B Q Barn, as is tradition, its almost like hunters communion with us.

After an night of sleeping on a lumpy futon (which felt like a feather bed as tired as I was) we had breakfast and rolled out to move a blind and feeder. My brother inlaw decided to locate the blind in the most inhospitipal location on the lease. I'm talking cactus, mesquite, rocks, cedar... In other words, a fantastic location for hunting. We all ended up with multiple cactus and mesquite thorns in our arms, hands, legs, and feet. All said and done, we picked up a 12 foot tower blind with a 5 foot box on top of it, put it on a trailer, moved it about 1000 yards, cut a road, put it back on its feet, anchored it, moved in a feeder, cut a road for it, cleared a few shooting lanes, and were done by lunch time. Oh yeah, we're good.

So that evening the birds didn't fly at all, I didn't shoot even once. Disappointed and tired I headed for home. I HAD to stop in Clyde for a Whataburger. Its a tradition, but it was kinda sad because I usually have my brother in law and father in law with me. Oh well, drove through some fantastic rain and was home at 10pm.

Monday it was raining constantly (yeah!) and I took Mary to the Cracker Barrel for breakfast. When we got home I laid out more tile that had to be cut, marked it, and promptly left it alone. It was one of those rainy days where you don't want to do anything, so I didn't.

Tuesday I felt bad about skipping work on the house on Monday so I came home and got right to work. I laid tile like a fiend! I was in the zone! I wasn't finished unil 1AM! CRAP! Yeah, it was a very long day today, and when I got home I finished up the last of the tile in the kitchen. Not bad I must say...

and

I'm ignoring the NM posting to bring you this.

2006-08-31T21:43:00.001-06:00

I have been successful in adding 36 square feet of bare concrete to my kitchen by removing an equal number of square feet of tile, which I worked hard with my father in law to put down lastnight.

Those of you who bet that Neal Jr. would actually rip up brand new tile because it was crooked, call Vegas, it owes you money. I could have dealt with it if I was going to put carpet next to the tile, but putting down laminate floor meant that the flooring throughout the entire house would be running crooked. I wasn't going to go through all the trouble of flooring the entire house and then not be happy, regretting that I should have torn up the tile and started over. Well, I tore it up, and it tore me up in return. I'm blown out. I'm covered in sweat, broken thinset, and tile chips. I gotta say, I mix up one hell of a batch of thinset. This stuff doesn't let go without serious hits from a hammer and chisel.

Tomorrow, we start over, and measure 15 times to make sure we are laying the FIRST tile correctly. Then we are going to measure anothe 15 times when we lay the 2nd. Then we'll break for lunch. Seriously though, still haven't heard anything about the counter tops yet, which is good because I'm STILL not ready.

This house hates me.

Almost the end

2006-08-30T22:12:00.000-06:00

So its almost the end of the month, and no I still haven't got the stuff about New Mexico ready to post. Tell me, do you really want to hear about it or not. If not I'll not bore you, if you do I'll attempt to make it humorous.

In the meantime, I layed some tile tonight with the help of my father in law. I set up my reference lines and then promptly screwed it up. I have a nice crooked tile floor coming in. At this point I don't know if I care that its crooked. I could either rip up the 21 tiles I layed tonight and start over, or just keep going and tell people that they need to see a doctor when they comment on the crooked tiles. Honestly I don't care at this point. This is a starter home, and I've started screwing it up pretty good. The floor is crooked enough that Mary spotted it right away (why she didn't tell me when I was laying the tile is a mystery to me). So its bad enough to be noticed.

On a positive note, I'm headed to the deer lease this weekend and I'm pretty excited about it. I have alot of work to do here and feel guilty about not doing it, but damn I need some time away from all this.

Anyway, let me know about the New Mexico trip. Post a comment and I'll go with the majority.

Day 4, I'm outta gas

2006-08-27T19:52:00.000-06:00

Well, its almost the end of the 4 day push and I'm exhausted. I didn't get started till almost 10 this morning, and the only thing I've managed to do was get the cabinet bases on the west side of the kitchen painted. I had so much I wanted to do today but I must concede defeat. I'm too tired. No pics, no funny remarks (well, funny to me at least), I'm just tired and want to rest.

The counter tops will be in this week, the kitchen is ready to receive them. I'll post again later.

And yes, I know the month is almost over and you haven't seen anything about Ruidoso. Deal with it, month isn't over yet.

Love you all, and hope your weekend went well.

Day 3, I'm Da Man

2006-08-26T22:16:00.000-06:00

16 hours ago I woke up, kissed my wife, and started my day. Today's plan was to tile the backsplash, and paint the cabinets. We had mixed results. My dad was kind enough to offer help. This meant he was willing to drive 150 miles to help me with my kitchen, then drive 150 miles back home. I'm proud he's my dad, thats just the kind of guy he his, in short my hero. I declined his offer due to the fact that we have a galley kitchen that is tough enough for two people to cook in, much less work on remodeling in. I can't thank him enough for the offer.

So I start mixing up my thin set. This is a bit of an art. I've done this a time or two before though and it wasn't too tough. Because I was tiling a vertical surface it had to be thick and sticky, without being thick and dry. At this point when you want to add a bit of moisture, you're better off spitting in the bucket instead of pouring in too much water. I must say, I'm good at this because all my tiles stuck to the wall, didn't sag or wiggle out of alignment, or any of those unpleasant things that can cause a man to behave like a toddler (and yes, I have thrown a tantrum or two during this mess).

Sad to say, we lost a good friend today. Cheap Orange Bucket has been with me since I really started doing any sort of remodeling and was quite reliable. He cost me a buck fifty a couple of years back and was always there when I needed him. He never complained about being stored in the heat, carrying all sorts of tools, and getting beaten around by my industrial mixer. Alas today the industrial mixer got the better of him. He held together long enough for me to mix up the thinset, and get all the wall tiles set. Upon clean up, I found a mortal wound on my trusted friend. The mixer tore a 3 inch hole in his side. He held just enough water for me to finish cleaning up my tools. What a trooper. Old friend, you will be missed. Should you feel moved by this loss, feel free to send any monetary donations to me via the Cheap Orange Bucket memorial fund. Maybe we'll raise enough to purchase another bucket.

As I was finishing up all my cuts for trimming around the window I realized I must possess the same sort of amnesia that women have when they agree to have a second child. I HATE laying tile. I especially HATE laying tile on a vertical surface. Enough time passes, and you forget how the thinset drys out your hands until they feel like they are going to split, how the thinset sticks to everything and cannot be wiped off, how the stuff drys out and has to be constantly restirred, and how the wetsaw sprays your crotch with a mixture of water and clay particles so it looks like you pee'd some brown stuff in your pants. But enough time passes and your spouse reminds you of how much you enjoy the tile, how nice it looks, and what a good job you did last time. So you forget all the pains it caused and leap back into the fray. Women, we're suckers.

Anyway, my inlaws are remodeling their kitchen as well and needed some assistance this afternoon. Well, in reality they needed the help this morning, but I couldn't get free till around 5pm. Sorry guys. I'll not go into the details of their remodel because A) Not my house B) You don't care. After a satisfying dinner of Whataburger we were back at the house and the tile was calling.

Grout, gotta say this stuff is a pain in the ass. You have to mix it just so. In fact its more critcal than the thinset. Too much water and it won't go around the tiles, cause it just runs. Too dry and you can't pack it into the gaps around the tile. You're striving for a consistancy like damp sand, but not too damp, but not too dry. In other words it is a pain in the ass. I finished my grouting, cleaned up the tiles (because when you grout, it looks like you covered the whole wall in mud, and I mean the water and dirt kind), and buffed them, I put on the cover plate for my new GFCI outlet.

Even my wife agrees, I got SKILLS.
Gotta say, I'm good.

Day 2, always read the directions...

2006-08-25T21:12:00.000-06:00

Today I made a trip to the Home Depot for some backer board, 1X8's and various other items. My purchase and trip went without a hitch, and even managed to unload without incident. The first project I tackled was to fix that GFCI outlet. It worked fine, but the plug for my ice box wasn't working. I put in a new box, and straightned out the wiring without a bit of trouble.

Next project was the one that took up pretty much the entire day. I had torn out the drywall and was replacing it with cement backer board. I grabbed the directions at the store and read that you had to use a carbide tipped scoring tool, then snap the stuff like you would drywall. Lemme tell ya something, if you read past that bit about scoring it, and not using a circular saw, you find a paragraph pertaining to wearing gloves. I didn't read this paragraph, and now sit here with hands that are raw, blistered, dry, and sliced up pretty well. Evidently the fiber reinforced concrete backer board is very abrasive, and the cement pulls the moisture out of your skin. When the board is scored it creates dust, which is still very course. When this is on the grip of your scoring tool and you squeeze it very tightly, you are imbedding this cement fiber crap into your skin. Also the fibers that reinforce this stuff are fiber-glass. It hurts to type. It took me many hours to accomplish this.

And this will be my backsplash for the stove. Well, I suppose I should put some tile up to make it a bit prettier. Oh crap, didn't take that picture. I blame the beer. But its OK, I'm not drinking alone. Don't worry about him, he's just a lightweight.

I also finished painting the ceiling, should be the final coat. Even if it doesn't look right it still might be the final coat. Here's the pink paint I used. It's not really worth posting a pic of, but I'm kinda drunk and it makes me grin.

Mary brought me Chili's for dinner, ya know, since I demolished the counter where the microwave goes. She's good to me, and I'm good to her. I know what my wife likes, oh yeah. Bitch likes a new kitchen.

Day 1, I'm a stupid stupid man

2006-08-24T21:30:00.000-06:00

So after the first day of this remodel marathon I have finished up my ceiling and just need to put on one more coat of paint. Yeah, and it'd be done now but I didn't want to drive to the Home Depot. Speaking of those orange aproned folks, it looks like my counters won't be in till next week. I should be glad because I'm not quite ready for them, but at the same time they promised them to be done in 3 weeks instead of 4. Whatever.

So after one day, I have destroyed more than I have created. This is not good. If this keeps up I'll call my realtor and ask for another house to screw up. I ripped out my back splash, and found it to have water damage. Good thing I wasn't going to reuse it. While working around my window I located where the water had softened my sheetrock. Great, more work. I also wired in a GFCI outlet next to the sink. I paid in blood for that one. I mean literally I've left enough of myself on the wire nuts for that wiring box to be declared a possible crime scene.

Good news though, turns out I DO have insulation in my west and east facing walls. Well, at least in the kitchen. I hate my builder. I measured between studs, ya know since they were exposed and all. Turns out this thing has 25" studs on center. What the hell? I mean the standard is 18", some people go 20, some 24, but 25? I guess this guy was enjoying his bathtub meth when he got to building on this deathtrap.

I'm still not happy with my wiring job. Something about the new receptacle working and the one next to it not working, makes me think I may have a bit of a problem. I think I wore a groove in the hallway carpet running from the kitchen to the breaker box. Oh yeah, since the counter is missing and the power is iffy, our last method of heating food is gone.

Get me my crash helmet and drool cup, tomorrow I'm headed to Home Depot and will be looking to tile the backsplash. I've got a birthday comeing up along with a son due about the same time. All I want this year is a Wellbutrin salt lick for my spinny wheel.

Ok, this won't be fun

2006-08-23T21:22:00.000-06:00

So things have slowed down at work, and I'm taking a couple of days off. This means 96 hours of home improvement. To celebrate this hell to be, Mary and I went to Chili's for dinner. Since this remodel has begun, we've had to eat out quite a bit. We enjoy the INFREQUENT dining out experience. Tonight we walk in and Kimberly (our waitress) greets us and says "Welcome back". Great, we are now regulars. I keep this up and I'll have to put that damn pound counter back on the blog.

In other news, deer season is almost upon us and I am stoked to the point where Mary has threatened to bitch slap me if I don't shut up. Bambi, if you're reading this. Run. Run Far, Run Fast, 'cause come December I'm coming to gitcha!

And for those of you who think I don't believe there is a place for all of God's creatures, you're wrong. Some of them have a place right next to the vegies and biscuit.

Next year, I'm going to catch these tasty little guys...

Oh yeah, Bambi first, Dory and Marlin next. Let the season begin.

Goodbye Counter

2006-08-19T20:52:00.000-06:00

So I got rid of my pound counter because I hit my goal of 215lbs. I started this thing back around Valentines day and weighed around 250lbs, which was down from my heaviest weight of 275lbs. So pat me on the back or whatever, just didn't want to leave that thing up there for the next year.

Alright, I know you are just dying to hear about my further adventures in home improvement. I'll not leave you hanging. Over the week I primed the drywall and sprayed three coats of texture to fill in the spot where everything came down. Well, in the books I've read they warn against this practice because it won't hide the defects. I'll be damned, they do know what they are writing about. It looked terrible. So I took some drywall compound and feathered in a bit to level up the area. I then sanded down the stuff to make it smooth and even. I followed this up with Bubbly Boy treatment (don't try to recycle those little tarps. The cost $1.50 and don't hold up to repeated use) and sprayed a nice coat of texture over the entire kitchen and dining area ceiling. This looks much better, but I can still see the defects. I hate being Neal Junior.

So after this dried a bit, I finished priming (yeah, I said PRIME, wanna make something of it?) the cabinets and put on the first coat of real paint. Can you believe I've been on this project for 40 days and am just getting to the painting?

I'm sitting here now, covered in drywall dust, paint, primer, and texture. I keep thinking torching the house and starting over may be just the ticket, but going to jail for insurance fraud right before my son is born might not be the best out there.

No, I haven't put any new pictures up for you.

No, I won't be pressured to put up pictures (even by my wife who wants the pics from New Mexico).

Yes, I'm taking off from the house tomorrow morning and going to the HUNTER'S EXTRAVEGANZA!!! Its in Fort Worth and I need a break from the mess, I mean house.

Promise to have the NM pics up before the month is out.

Hope you're all having a good weekend, and I hope at some point or another in your life you get to feel the pain of a remodel. After all, misery loves company.

Prime

2006-08-16T21:04:00.000-06:00

Let us review "PRIME" things shall we?

Prime Rib
Prime Time
Optimus Prime
Prime the Pump
Prime Numbers

And F@#*$^! PAINT PRIMER!!!

I promise you I will get around to posting pics and writing a detailed account of our trip to Ruidoso NM, but that isn't going to happen today.

First of all, let me tell you about my ceiling.

I scraped off the old accoustic texture. This involved water, a scraper, and a pole. This also involved my shoulders getting pretty sore, but hey, it only put about 6 pounds of drywall dust throughout the house. So I finish with that and get my drywall compound (heretofor be known as MUD), and touched up the seams. I then sanded the ceiling, again involving sore shoulders, and cleaned up the dust again.

Next I took my PRIMER, that's right, I said F%#@*#! PRIMER!!! I used Zinser primer. Which up till this point had done a fabulous job of sealing up the stain on my cabinets. So I take my lovely Zinser and roll two coats onto the ceiling. Yes, this again involved sore shoulders. Well, I used up the last of my primer and went to the store. At this point I'd only PRIMED about a fourth of the ceiling. While there I got some "DRYWALL PRIMER". Yeah, I thought, PRIMER was PRIMER, I was DEAD, F'ING, WRONG!

Evidently there is a certain formula in "drywall primer" that makes it adhere to drywall, and it supposed to be used before you texture. "Meh" I said, I'll use this to finish up the kitchen and no trouble will come of this.

So I then texture my ceiling (see the bubble boy post for any more info). After texturing I again, wait for it, wait for it...

PRIMED!!!

Yeah, primed after texturing, then put on a coat of ceiling paint (the pink stuff that dries white).

This evening I'm about to put on a second and final coat of paint, when I see a small lip where the texture, primer, and paint ended at my hanging tarp. I give this a gentle pull to make sure it's clean and smooth before I paint.

Here's the result of that small pulling action.

and

So after freaking out and screaming obscenities, flinging tools, and the ritual torture of paint department employee from a large orange store (and I won't post these pics for fear of state and local authoraties getting involved), I composed myself and begin to begin again.

I scraped any and all loose material (ya know, that layer of primer, texture and paint), swept up the mess, and broke out the can of "DRYWALL F'ING PRIMER) and put three, count them with me.

ONE!
TWO!
THREE!
THREE COATS OF F#%$@&^ PRIMER

Here are the results of this fun little excercise

and

And yes, this did result in more sore shoulder.

I hate this house.

2006-08-09T21:37:00.000-06:00

LLAMA SONG!!!!

Ok folks, I'm headed to the mountains of New Mexico for the weekend and this'll probably be my last post until I get back. To tide you over (and yes I'm sure some of you have heard this before) here is another catchy tune for you to have stuck in your head until I get home.

Enjoy, and as always, I await your hate mail.

Pictures from the Bubble Boy Post

2006-08-07T05:55:00.000-06:00

So I'm still fighting to get these posted, and I'm trying to use another post to see if it'll work.

Yeah, it did. In celebration we're going to try a new post. I'm running low on annoying catchy inappropriate songs at the moment (who'd of thought?) so here is a pic of a tree near our Lowes in Weatherford. New post is "What The Hell Is That". Who ever can correctly identify this plant will receive one slightly used kleenex.

Monday Morning, 6:40am, what is that thing in my breakfast?

2006-08-07T05:44:00.000-06:00

The sun isn't even up yet, and I'm brewing my coffee, making my protein shake, and packing my lunch. I leave the lights off in the kitchen for two reasons. First, it would wake up Mary who gets to sleep in because it's her summer vacation. Second because MY KITCHEN DOESN'T HAVE ANY LIGHTS! Ok, so I go over to my desk, which has the only light in the living room that won't wake up Mary and start drinking my shake. I look into the glass and see that I have chunks of drywall texture floating in it. I fished them out and cried a little. I really want my kitchen back.

Bubble Boy, your room is ready

2006-08-06T21:42:00.000-06:00

So today I got brave enough to take my texture gun out of the box, hook it up to the air compressor, and spray some crap I mixed up in my tub onto my ceiling. As you can see, my kitchen is now wrapped in enough plastic to make a nice large oxygen tent, or one of those germ proof portable habitats for Bubble Boy.

Of course I just discovered several areas I missed, and that it doesn't look "professional" to me, but that is typical and I don't care. I'll touch it up tomorrow evening, then paint it on Tuesday night. Today I also went and taped all my doors and drawers for the two tone paint job we're going to do. I lied, I do care. I do care because I want this to look good and like the crew from "This Old House" stopped by to do some work, not like "The Three Stooges" got into a paint, pie, and tile fight in my house. Strangly enough, my kitchen currently resembles the handiwork of Larry, Moe, and Curly.

I'll backtrack a bit and fill ya in on the weekend. Friday evening I decided I needed to go see my parents in Kingsland to pick up a trailer. I decided this at 6:30pm. At 7pm we were on the road. We spent the night and visited a little bit, but it was too late for serious visitation. Saturday morning Mary and I dragged our butts out of bed and had a great home cooked breakfast from my mom. Yeah, she's great. Dad and I went to his shop to install the trailer hitch on my KIA and rewire the lights on the trailer. This was lots of fun except for the wasp nest under the trailer, the hot pavement where we were working, and the toasty 100+ degree heat.

By the time we finished the work it was lunch time, but mom had been struck down with migraine headache. So dad, Mary, and myself ate bar-b-q for lunch, visited for a little while, and decided to head back to the house. Mary and I returned home around 7:30pm with the trailer and stayed in to relax. So that's my exciting weekend.

1. Road trip
2. Sweat while mechanicin'
3. Lunch with Dad, but not Mom (yeah, boo)
4. Drive Home
5. Wrap kitchen in plastic
6. Whip up funky plaster stuff in tub
7. Spray plaster stuff at my ceiling
8. Tape off 27 doors and drawers (Thanks for the help Mary)
9. Dinner at Chili's
10. Post Blog and go to bed.

Hope ya'll had a great weekend and stay safe.

Nyuck Nyuck Nyuck!!!

Well Kick A Midget!!! (ha ha J)

For some reason blogger isn't allowing me to post pics tonight. I'll try to get them up in the next day or two before I head to the races.

Curious Ben Strikes Again, and again, and again, and...

2006-08-01T19:27:00.000-06:00

So I go to the Home Depot with Wife in the Big Yellow Hat, here to be known as WBYH (sounds like a radio station actually) {did you know that radio stations east of the Mississippi River start with a W, and those west of it start with a K} [okay, I'm stalling telling you what a boob I was tonight], and we go to order some new counters. We have a counter along the outside wall, and a bar that parallels the other counter, and butts into the wall. We pick a color, choose an edge, select a bunch of other crap, and the helper draws us a picture of our order. I'm looking down at it, and ask which side is up on the drawing, because I'm concerned the rounded edges will end up agains the straight wall. At this point WBYH smacks me in the arm and says, "Well Honey, you could always just turn it around".

Yeah, I need a minder to keep me in my diaper and keep me from flinging poop. Thank God for Mary.

Alright, I'm back on the net and here are some updates.

2006-07-30T21:38:00.000-06:00

First off, Mary made it safely back to the house on Thursday night and regretted ever leaving. See, the wife in the Yellow Hat left Curious Ben at the house unsupervised. Tuesday he was too busy to get into any trouble and went home without tearing anything up. Wednesday was a different story...

Wednesday Curious Ben came home and decided to venture into plumbing. Curious Ben doesn't know a damn thing about plumbing but that never stopped him before. So he shuts off the water to the house and removes his sink supply valves since they had rusted in place. He then discovered that he had bought the wrong replacement valves. Curious Ben shouted a few choice words and drove on to the Home Depot. While wandering around the plumbing section he got thoroughly confused and bought lots of stuff to make all his repairs. Once home Curious Ben installed his new valves (quarter turn ball valves, Ben may be a monkey but he knows a good product when he see's it) and removed the drain system. Since Curious Ben wanted to replace his counter tops he decided to go ahead and remove the sink. After removing the clamps from the self rimming flange (alright, curious Ben knows a little about plumbing) and cutting under the flange, Curious Ben pulled up on the sink. He pulled so hard in fact that the entire counter top triked to come up with the sink. After a bit of jumping up and down, shrieking in rage, and flinging poop, Curious Ben finally removed the sink.

So after ruining the sink, Curious Ben chunked it into the carport where it will reside until he figures whether to turn it into a planter or to use it to make a planting table.

Today I washed all my doors and drawers in the shower. I don't know if this is screwing up or not, but they were nasty! When you scrub a door and rinse it off, and the rinse water is dark brown, you had a bit of dirt and grease on your stuff. Glad I'm doing this now instead of finding out in a month or two that my paint is peeling off. I'm still using Zinser on my stuff and is working pretty well. I primed about half the doors and all the drawers, and the cabinet bases are about 70% primed. I still have quite a lot of painting and priming to do, but its coming along. I think I'll definitely be done before the end of the month.

I gotta tell ya, Curious Ben was glad to see the Wife in the Big Yellow Hat.

Now, about Saturday.

Mary had a baby shower on Saturday, thrown our friend Jenny. I understand that it was a blast. My mom, aunt, and grandma were in attendance. I was expecting the family to stop by the house on their way home so I busted my butt all morning cleaning up the house (and let me tell you thats a trick when your kitchen it torn up). Turns out my grandma wasn't feeling well so my aunt drove her back home. Then my own mother skipped out and ran back to the lake. So I was in a clean house, just missed my family. Had I known they would have been unable to stop by I definitely would have driven to the shower at the end to visit with them for a few minutes. Thats neither here nor there.

So I've got the house cleaned up and have no desire to do any work that will mess up my clean space. Turns out this was good. Mary, Jenny, and Betsy arrived around 2 o'clock (thank goodness I wasn't still in my underwear) with a load of loot from the shower. I oo'ed and ahh'd over the stuff, and I'm really getting stoked about some of the baby gear. My son will be one sharp dressed little dude. My mom got me a neat Jeep brand diaper bag, and its pretty awesome. Anyway, the ladies hung out here and we visited and joked around for hours. We ended up going to dinner and had a truly fantastic time. I enjoy my wife's friends very much and since they read this, I want to thank you girls for coming and for visiting. We both had a great time and really enjoyed your company.

Oh yeah, link for some fun. Jenny tossed this out early in her visit and we had it running through our heads all evening. If you liked Squeaky Deaky, here's another catchy tune for you.

The internet is for porn

Again, I look forward to your hate mail.

Update pending

2006-07-28T07:25:00.000-06:00

Ok, my internet connection is getting spotty lately so I'm having troubles updating. Don't worry, I've got more photos and stories of me screwing up my kitchen. Should have something for you tonight.

You can do it, Home Depot can help you screw it up

2006-07-24T21:03:00.000-06:00

Yeah, so if you've been reading this you know we ate our stupid pills two weeks ago and decided to remodel the kitchen. Let's all say it together now, "You little dumb ass!" Well, after a weekend of painting I have the following pictures to share. First person who says "you missed a spot" is welcome to come to Weatherford, pick up a brush, and fix it themselves.

And of course here are my darling helpers. What they lack in opposable thumbs they make up for in shedding and drooling. Plus they work cheap.

As if all this excitement weren't enough to make me vomit at the sight of a Home Depot or Lowes, my best helper just quit on me. This picture was taken just after the words "Screw you, I'd rather hang out with geriatrics at a quilting bee than paint another cabinet!"

And with that she packed up and is leaving me tomorrow morning to spend a couple of days quilting with geriatrics (she doesn't threaten, she just does). So now I'm stuck here to fend for myself until Thursday night. Send help. Send help now! You realize that she's going to come home to find the house turned into a landfill and me eatting out of the garbage, wearing a loincloth and scratching my ass.

I miss her already.

For all you dog lovers out there

2006-07-19T21:38:00.000-06:00

Squeaky Deaky!

Go ahead, click the link and turn up the volume. If you like that here's the link to the company ( Pet CD's ) where you can buy other tunes for your pooch.

If instead, you now have an irritating Caribean tune stuck in your head...

I await your hate mail.

Squeak Squeak Squeak!!!

Wow, my stupidity knows no bounds...

2006-07-15T20:44:00.000-06:00

Right, so I started ripping up 25 year old linoleum on Monday. This stuff is old enough to get a good rate on auto insurance for crying out loud, which I have done to no end. I hate linoleum. Check that, I hate removing old stuck linoleum.

Yeah, that's me in all my studliness, dishing out a beat down on that linoleum. Note the contractor's grade knee pads? Yeah, I get freaky with those. It isn't everyday you see a fat boy with an industrial floor scraper and knee pads ripping it up, is it?

Hell, I look so good we're going for the reverse angle now. Too bad Mary didn't have the camera out when I mooned her, it was my best side. Anyway at this point I've pretty much scraped the floor into submission and left it crying in the trash bags. Yeah, I'm a bad man. At this point in the remodel you're too far along to stop and put things back the way they were if you change your mind. You are now fully committed to the project, and come hell or high water, you must finish.

So while scraping the floors, my wife, whom I love more than life itself, utters the dreaded, "WHILE WE'RE SCRAPING THE FLOORS, WE MIGHT AS WELL REMODEL THE WHOLE KITCHEN". I think at this point I pee'd a little. I must have been too long without sleep because I hear somebody say, "yeah, thats a good idea honey". Oh no, those words came out of my mouth! I just committed myself to a full kitchen remodel. My stupidity, raising the bar yet again.

As you can see from the photographic evidence here, we now have 3 major appliances residing outside of our home. I beleive, and correct me if I'm wrong, that we have just vaulted ourselves into the official status of White Trash. My next assignment is to get a car up on blocks in the front yard and chain a multitude of ill tempered baby eatting dogs to the bumper. Our new neighbor isn't so sure about us anymore.

So where are the dishes and food and crap we normally store in the cabinets?

Here,

Here,

AND HERE! Yeah, thats the new liquor cabinet. High class huh?

So the floor is pretty much ripped up, the cabinet doors and drawers have been removed, the dish washer and stove are living on the porch, and the fridge is living in the dining room. My stupidity seems to have gotten me in some trouble again. Yeah, I said again. Now if you've ever been to my house you know its a little strange. 7 foot ceilings, substandard wiring, you know, that sort of fun stuff. I had no idea how lucky I was living in ignorance. I removed the stove to find this.

Doesn't quite look up to code to me, what with the tape holding it together.

The spots you see on the floor are where the concrete popped out when I removed a tack strip. Nice huh? Yeah I've got to patch holes in my foundation for crying outloud. I really didn't want to do that, hell I didn't even want to know you could get holes in the foundation.

We also scraped the popcorn textured ceiling, and got drywall dust everywhere. I mean everywhere. This crap is on every horizonatl surface in the house. I'd post pictures of it but I can't find the camera in this world of white. When I stepped out of the house for a smoke, a girl walking down the street asked her mom what was wrong with me. I think I overheard the word "albino", and I can see that, what with the chalky skin tone and pink eyes from the dust. Nasty stuff. I was feeling pretty overwhelmed when I remembered I'm not alone in the voyage through hell. I've got a partner who's not so good with a hammer but is great at keeping me calm giving me a hand where she can.

There she is, the Juanita to my Paco, the Yin to my Yang, the Peaches to my Herb. My wife. She's sorta the reason, well actually she and the child she's carrying are the reason for a complete home remodel. If it wasn't for my wife I wouldn't be doing all this because I couldn't even try without my partner over there. And look at that butt! Nice huh? Honey I love you, although I'm not so fond of home improvement at the moment.

Alright, there's my update, enjoy it, and send all donations in the form of Home Depot gift cards to our mailbox.

Reasons to Kick Bob Villa in the NUTZ!!!

2006-07-12T22:27:00.000-06:00

So this is my industrial floor scraper, razor scraper, paint scraper, and the worlds best gel filled knee pads.

This is my slab, and the crappy linoleum that refuses to go away. I hate this crap.

Seriously, I am soaking this stuff with soapy, hot water and have not had the best of luck relocating it to the dumpster. If I ever find that smug looking bearded a--hole named Bob Villa, I'm going to stick his head in a wood chipper that I bought at Sears and use his "I know everything" carcass to mulch my begonias by God!

My Nephew Is 9!

2006-07-11T21:51:00.000-06:00

So this evening I meet my wife in the bustling metropolis that is Lipan. The reason for the season? Read the title of this post! My nephew is having his 9th birthday party. We played basketball in the pool, and I sucked it up pretty good. I've got the coordination of an epileptic ostrich, and the grace of a tree sloth on meth amphetamines. So after getting my ass handed to me we ate some burgers, blew out the candles on the cake, opened presents, and fed the mosquitos. Here is some photographic evidence of the good time that was had by most.

This is Tuffy, she gives us hope that our delinquent dogs can be as cool some day.

Swear to God, I am not pinching a loaf in the pool.

Here is the birthday boy, in all his soggy glory. Go Ty, we gonna party like it yo' birfday, yeah we gonna party like it yo' birfday!

My neices dog trying to drown itself. He's cute, but not so smart.

So anyway, we took some photos, visited with folks, and had a good time. Mary did make fun of me because my huge beach towel looked like a dress on me. She's just jealous 'cause some of us got it, and flaunt it!

Who Knows What Stupidity Lies in the Heart of This Man?

2006-07-10T23:21:00.000-06:00

Hell, I do. So on my way home from work today I decide to stop at Lowes and pick up some tools and supplies for Operation: Quick, the Kids on the way, fix up this Death Trap! I go in and buy the usual stuff, industrial floor scraper, romex (12:2 for those in the know), pneumatic texture gun, carpet tack strips, pole sander, you know, the usual stuff.

After a quick dinner of Chicken Express I decide to try out my new heavy duty industrial grade floor scraper. Good idea? Nope, bad idea. It is apparent now that the scraper I have purchased is not so good for linoleum flooring. So we aren't starting on the right foot, but this will get better right?

You know those little razor scrapers that hold a standard single edged razor? Yeah, you do, you just aren't thinking hard enough. Anyway I get this little blade and begin trying to remove about 50 square feet of 20 year old linoleum. Imagine filling an in ground pool with a 5 gallon bucket and you realize that this is going to take awhile. So I slap on my knee pads (the good ones) and get to cutting and scraping. I think also that it would be a good idea to peel off the vinyl layer and then soak the underlayment with hot water. Thinking I'm onto something, my wife goes online to double check. Yeah, I'm following the right path.

So after four and a half hours of knee crunching, back breaking, hand bruising scraping and mopping, I'm only about 1/4 of the way through the kitchen. Next time I'm at Lowes I think a 5 gallon bucket of Turpentine is in my future.

The next time you have the idea to tackle that home improvement project on a Monday night, stop, sit down, put your head between your knees and take deep breaths. If the urge persists consume 1 to 4 beers until either the urge to work passes, or you incapacitate yourself, thus preventing that bad idea from becoming bad action.

There you have it, a glimpse into the stupidity that rears its drooling lazy eyed head every now and then and gets me in over my head. Tune in later this week when we discuss the proper removal of razor blades from the holder, and how to dial 911 without dripping blood all over the nice new phone.

Moving: Why burning all your stuff is a better alternative

2006-07-10T06:18:00.000-06:00

Ok, I hate moving. I mean I hate moving the way the Arabs hate Israel. Not kidding in the least, I hate moving. I went to my dad's place on Friday morning and we got to loading up a pickup, a trailer, and a great big u-haul (which by the way, I hate u-haul almost as much as moving, but we'll get to that in a minute). We pack, and we load, and we toss a bunch of stuff in the junk pile. This goes on for several hours. I had arrived at 8:30am, my wife arrived at 2:30pm just as we finished loading the trucks.

I volunteered to drive the u-haul, I think it was this model. Anyway, Mary shows up and we pile in the truck. It does have cloth seats, it does have an automatic transmission, and is has a gasoline engine. I'm not a fan of putting a gas engine in a truck of this size, they are always undersized and don't perform very well. The u-haul confirmed this beyond the shadow of a doubt. Please recall that when moving, you generally have more bulk to move than weight. So we were hauling at the most 2 tons of junk in the truck and I'm being generous, it was probably only 3,000lbs. This means that we aren't loading the truck over capacity or anything. So off we go, air conditioner blowing, we're some what comfortable, but that is about to change.

The key to smooth acceleration, which results in your junk not getting tossed around in the back of the truck, is to gently and smoothly roll your foot onto the gas pedal. This was not to be. Our truck had a gas pedal that would bind up, so you'd either be stuck idling along, or kick your foot to the floor board and lurch forward. Mary was not a fan of this feature, nor the fact that the transmission shifted so hard it felt like we were being rear ended everytime it shifted up or down. She wanted to call my dad who was following us, and tell him to back off incase the tranny fell out. We finally make our way to the highway and I am literally standing on the gas pedal, and doing 45mph in a 65mph zone. This is called suicide, because you will be run over. I finally get the gimp truck all the way to 60mph. We are trucking now. A slight uphill grade looms before us and I floor the truck, so that at the crest of the hill we are only down to 50mph. I am not real happy about this thing and it gets better. Swear to God we must have had an anchor dragging behind us. This POS gets like 6 mpg. Had we been in a diesel I think we could have gotten a comfortable 10 mpg, and been able to maintain our speed. Instead we are stuck trying like hell to maintain 60mph. This means that on US 281 traffic backs up so bad behind our slow asses that it looks like we're leading a freaking parade!

Speaking of parade, ha ha. When you drive a truck that gets single digit fuel economy you need to plan your stops for gas. I think I can make town A, but the gas gauge tells me I can't. Well that's alright, towns B and C are between me and A. I'm close to empty and decide town B is next up, I'll stop there. I slow down on my way to town, ease on to the shoulder to turn into the gas station, and realize the station closed sometime back when fuel was only $1.49 a gallon. Well crap, on to town C. I think the gas station at town C must rely on stupid people driving u-hauls who delude themselves into thinking they can make the next town. On the way home, again I'm planning on stopping in town A, except they are having some sort of pioneer days parade that is about to start. Every gas station on the correct side of the street is full of people waiting for the parade, so I have to by pass town A for gas and go back to town C. My dad asks if I have a preference for this little 1 pump station in the middle of nowhere. Somedays you just can't win, and others your manage not to run out of gas, and that is close to winning when you are driving a uhaul.

Our truck was equiped with an am/fm stereo, at least it was stereo before the drivers side speaker blew out. So I'm wanting some tunes, but when I turn it up to a point where I can enjoy it, Mary's got bloor running out her ears. Great, now I can't even listen to the radio in the POS truck. After almost stalling this beast going up Chalk Mountain (and its a freaking automatic!) I look at Mary and exclaim,"Well it may be loud and crappy, but it sure is slow". At this point we kind of lost it and started making all kinds of jokes at our u-haul's expense. After 4 hours of loud, slow, kidney smashing, whiplash giving, driving, we arrive at our destination. I think I pee'd blood from that rough riding truck. Good lord I drive a KIA, which is a cheap Korean vehicle and it rides like a lexus on a sheet of glass compared to that truck.

Anyway, I managed to cripple myself while loading, driving, unloading, and spent most of the weekend shuffling around like an old man. We got my dad moved (for the most part, I mean we could have loaded the truck again with what was left) and I spent Sunday mowing my yard, again. Sorta disappointing, Mary and I had planned to go see a buddy's band this weekend but felt like crud on Saturday night. We'll have to catch him some other time.

Anyway, that was my weekend, hope yours was less eventfull, and u-haul free.

Happy Independance Day

2006-07-04T21:44:00.000-06:00

So this weekend Mary and I cleaned out our laundry room and tossed out another load of junk. It is amazing the stuff you find when you decide to clean out a room. The worse part is looking through stuff and thinking, "why do I have this, and why has it moved with me the last three moves?" Anyway, the room was cleared out and I slapped on my knee pads to scour the base boards and scrub out some stains in the linolium (that isn't spelled correctly). Mary said I was doing a pretty good Cinderella impression.

I seem to be getting my events out of order. Saturday we didn't do a thing but sit on our butts. Sunday we scrubbed and cleaned. Monday we went and saw Disney's movie CARS. Must say, as a man of 29, I thought it was an awesome movie. After that we went to a Chinese Buffet, and it sucked. I won't name the restaurant because the service was good, the place was clean, and food was fresh and hot. It just didn't taste very good.

Today I got up and went to town to buy some gas, and then got started on the lawn. Must say, it does look good. I mowed, and then was interrupted by a nice rain fall of 1.5". We did get some pea sized hail, so I put Mary's Jeep under the carport. I then went out in the soggy lawn to trim and clean up. That was miserable. I got ambitious and decided to cut down a dead cedar bush (see previous post concerning bag worms, freaking worms). After all that I got cleaned up, grilled some burgers, and enjoyed my inlaws coming over for dinner. When it got dark, we sat on the lawn and watched the neighbors violate the burn ban by setting off fireworks. I'm so glad we got the rain though.

All in all I'd call this a good weekend, hope yours was as good or better.

Wow, sometimes I forget all these places

2006-06-28T22:11:00.000-06:00

Ok, so I'm stealing this from Sneezes blog, who stole it from Bets live journal. Its a map of places I've been.

create your own visited states map

Anybody top this?

2006-06-26T20:28:00.000-06:00

ELK!

That's right, Elk in Parker County Texas! Mary and I were coming back from Target, (where you can view all the stuff for little William by the way) and were driving by the old airport when we spotted the herd. There was a bull and a few cow elk just standing on the other side of the fence. We pulled over and I shot some video with my digital camera. Click the "Elk" link at the top of this post to view it, although sometimes it takes a littlewhile for it to load. In fact if you have a dial up connection, you're better off watching the sun burnout than trying to view it. You also need quicktime to view it, but should be no trouble. Anyway, thought it was cool and wanted to share.

Weekend Update, with me working my tail off

2006-06-25T21:55:00.000-06:00

Well, didn't work my tail off the whole weekend. To tell the truth we didn't do a single productive thing on Saturday. We sat around, watched Discovery Chanel's "Deadliest Catch". Who thought crab fishing could be so entertaining. Later in the day we decided we had to get out of the house so we swung by Lowes and I bought a book on home electric repair. Yeah, it scares me too. Then Mary took me out to eat at On The Border. Good times for Saturday.

Sunday we paid for our play... I mowed, trimmed, raked, bagged, and fertilized the lawn. It actually looks like someone professional did a job. I'm so proud. I also got around to moving all my lawn equipment over to my small shed and put all my long term storage in my big shed. Mary did a ton of laundry and cleaned the whole house. She also got the urge to kill the clutter bug. She tossed a ton of stuff out of the house. Our garbage man is going to hate us in the morning, but thats what we pay him for. All in all I'd call this a productive weekend.

The Nemisis has an ally....

2006-06-20T20:28:00.000-06:00

So I'm due for an oil change this afternoon and stop by the Wal Mart for an oil change and tire rotation. My wife and I had purchased a lifetime balance and rotation package for our vehicles. I was informed that the company which did the service work at WM was bought by WM and they would no longer honor these packages and that it would be $30 for my rotation and balance. I held back the comment about them rotating something somewhere and asked to speak with the manager. I presented this man with a receipt for my lifetime package, and wanted either a refund or for them to honor the agreement. He said since the company I bought the agreement from was now owned by Wal-Mart that he didn't have to. I said if the company was now owned by Wal-Mart and was not dissolved, then it still existed enough to rotate and balance my tires. He agreed and said this would be the last time. I expressed this would be my last visit to his center.

So now I'm stuck at Wal-Mart for the next two hours waiting for my car to be serviced. Let me tell ya, wandering around Wal-Mart without money sucks.

Wal-Mart managed to detain me until it was too late to apply my new best friend, the "Malathion PLUS". Hopefully its just chocked full of bug killing goodness. Now Wal-Mart and the Bag Worms have joined forces, I am not amused...

Freaking Worms
Freaking Global Retailers

Superman

2006-06-19T21:03:00.000-06:00

I think we all see ourselves as unique people who can overcome most anything, and if we had a nemisis it'd be someone like Lex Luthor, The Joker, Lord Helmet. Do I get any cool nemisis? NO! I get moths. Thats right I said MOTHS! We have an infestation of what are called bag worms. (This would be my Lex Luthor.) Freaking moth larvae have killed one of my cedar bushes and are now covering my house with their cocoons. I spent this evening running around the house with a Wal-Mart sack pulling the little *&^%*^%# down. I go one circuit of the house, go in, eat dinner, and come back to find just as many on the house as before. I mean I had to have a couple of pounds of the little things.

I have sent a formal declaration of war to the common bag worm. Let him know that I will not adhere to the Geneva Convention. I will use weapons of mass destruction. I will use chemical, biological, nuclear, and if need be my boot to eradicate this invading army of trouble makers. Tomorrow I'm going to my local arms dealer ( Home Depot) and will be returning with enough chemical based insecticide (which is what I intend to commit, a mass insecticide) to make an organic gardner's head explode. I will be bring to bear such favorites as malathion, and if I can find a black market exterminator I'll get some DDT and wipe out all the garden and lawn pests!!! It's war and I have no intention of losing. I didn't start this war, but I'm going to finish it...

Freaking Worms.

Father's Day

2006-06-19T06:29:00.000-06:00

Father's Day has taken on a greater significance now that I'm to be a dad. Mary and I went down to Little Lodge and had a great visit with my folks. Dad installed laminate flooring in the big house and it looks great. We ate too much, stayed up too late talking, and had a fantastic time.

While we were gone it rained about 1.5 inches here at our house. Hopefully this will knock down the fire danger. We also have a bag worm infestation that has killed one of our cedar bushes and is working on our other trees and bushes. We are spraying those little boogers tonight, and no quarter will be given.

Speaking of no quarter, I hope nobody was watching the last 3 Maverick games played in Miami. That was ugly. Mary and I have been staying up late and watching the series since game 2. They come home for games 6 and 7, and if they lose one more, Miami will win the championship. Pretty exciting stuff.

I hope to hear back from my electrician this week. Mary and I decided we should try to avoid electrocution and house fires by getting our wiring up to code.

Ok, I'm rambling and this update isn't making too much sense so I'll cut it short.

Wow, all those suprised please raise your hand, no, higher...

2006-06-14T21:00:00.000-06:00

So it should be of no suprise that I am now 2 months behind on my blog. I have good excuses, but it'd take too much work to post them. Ok Spoiler Warning. If you like big huge suprises, and stuff just coming out of left field don't read anymore. I'm really serious, HUGE SPOILER AHEAD! Alright, you've been warned, scroll down at your own peril...

WE ARE HAVING A BABY, IT'S DUE 11-06-06, AND IT'S A BOY!!!

Ok, no bitching about not wanting to know, you were warned.

Now for the details. Today Mary and I went to the OB/GYN this morning with my mother in law. We sit down in the waiting room and wait, since thats what you do in a waiting room. After calling us back, for no reason, we were called back again, but it was the wrong Mary, and then we went into a dark room with lots of equipment and Mary was squirted with some goo on her belly. ( I know that is both grammatically wrong and I'm certain there are misspelled words as well, but I am just too lazy to push the backspace key that many times, tough it out and hang with me here) So there we were getting a sonogram of my wifes innards, and I'll be the first to tell you a black and white photo of something inside the body looks like a TV with static to me. Thankfully the tech was there to label and point out stuff for us.

So the tech points out a stomach, a spine, intestines, heart, arms, legs, in short every damn thing on the baby except the part I've been anxious to see since conception! So the tech puts the probe at an angle where we are looking at the baby's crotch.

I cannot express the pride I felt as my mother in law stood next to me in a dark room with a black and white TV showing her only daughter's and mine child, and that child has his hand on his PENIS! Tears of joy stood in my eyes and I watched my son to be playing with himself. That lady's and gentlemen, is my son.

Oh yeah other things have been happening in my life and I'm probably too damn lazy to let you know what they are before the kid gets here, but I'll try.

Love you all, and thanks for the hearty congratulations we've received.