At the Doctor's Office

I can't express how much fun it is to be a guy at the OB/GYN office. Today Mary had a 2:45pm appointment with her Dr., and since we are having a baby in less than a week I thought I'd tag along and see if I needed to be aware of anything. So we stroll in on time, and let me tell you guys, there is nothing worth reading at the lady doctor's place.

If you like Women's Golf Digest, Martha Stewart Living, Better Homes and Gardens, and Redbook, then budy you are going to love the magazine selection. Me, I'm strolling through the doors with the latest issue of Guns & Ammo. A fine publication if ever you wanted to know which gun would be best employed to deter a guest from liberating your property. Let me tell ya, I could have brought in a "Busty" and a bottle of lotion into the waiting room and received less hostile looks from the patrons of this office. Seriously, one woman was trying to get as far away from me and not look as though she were, as if I would draw down and plug her where she stood.

I picked up on this vibe and rolled up my fine periodical to watch some TV. Gotta say, some cool guy must have been in the waiting room before I arrived because it was tuned to DIY network. This is a premium channel that we don't get, so I was sucked into a bathroom remodel and not paying attention to my surroundings. I was brought back to earth when from across the waiting room a large middle aged hispanic woman called out to Mary,

COW: "How many are you having?"

Mary: "Just one."

COW: "My goodness you sure are BIG! How far along are you?"

Mary: "We're delivering on Monday."

COW: "Wow you sure are BIG!"

At this point I am glad I am holding a magazine of guns, and not any actual firearms. I think Mary was about to use my rolled up copy to give this woman a trachiotomy, and I'd have held down the cow to let her. I've never been pregnant, and God willing never will be (I'm a good boy don'tcha know) but I can't imagine a late term woman enjoying some total stranger yelling out how big you are.

So sonogram looks good, we're going to check again on Thursday to see if any last minute changes need to be made. All in all not too bad a visit, until we go to check with the desk to confirm our appointment and this hairy cow exclaims yet again how big my wife is.

It's alright, I know there is a special place in hell for this woman. And honey, you're positively petite.